TV Eye

Is

 Ruining Your Life?

Whenever I sit in a cafe or a library that's supposed to be quiet, I can't help but overhear folks conversing about the world's most fascinating topic: FACEBOOK.

"I have more friends than I can handle! I sure don't wanna make any more!!!"

"So and so keeps 'liking' my statuses, and it's driving me nuts! Is there a way to remove someone's 'like' from my post?"

"This TOTALLY WEIRD LOSER like sent me a friend request...but WHY?"

I suppose I've done my share of complaining, too. Even so, I can't help but think back to a simpler time when artists and writers -- even Stan Lee and other famous folks -- would include their business or personal mailing addresses in pamphlets and zines with an INVITATION for fans to correspond. Not just contact info -- an INVITATION! Quite the opposite today! Log into Facebook and you see stuff like this chillin' on your feed:

Isn't this nuts?! Disgracebook makes it so easy to make "friends" that some people are desperate to stop the flow of future friends and correspondence! Some make themselves unsearchable, or command others to alter personal privacy settings for their benefit! Yes, not so long ago, you had people of Stan Lee's renown inviting fans -- strangers -- to send in letters. In today's world, the kids from your high school and mine -- even those who haven't hit the big time -- are bending over backwards to avoid and delete surplus "friends."

NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE YOUR THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS?

PARANOID THAT YOU MIGHT MAKE MORE?!

To you I present:

THE BIBLIOWHINING GUIDE TO FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE & MANAGEMENT

1. Stop sending friend requests to people you have absolutely no interest in.
Often, I would receive friend requests from old passers-by who barely/never conversed with me, or even disdained me in the past. This would be fine, except then I would message the person with a friendly "How've you been?" or somesuch, and get nothing in response. In fact, the old school chums ceased all contact after the initial add! Never would they "like" my statuses, comment on my posts, reply to my short, occasional questions or become a fan of this blog. 

The ultimate goal had been accomplished: Adding one friend to a big list of friends, a pawn in the great scheme to create a smokescreen of power and popularity!

Before sending a friend request, think, "Do I really have any interest in this person whatsoever? Is there anything about her that I admire? Her talents? His looks? His wit and intellect? Her connections, even?" If the answer is no, simply don't add the friend. Instead, make up a fake profile for your pet or a celebrity. Add it to your friends. This way, you'll have one more friend:

On a similar note, if someone you don't care for sends you a friend request, simply let it be. Don't accept it and don't reject it -- at least not right away. This only causes problems and heartache!

2. Don't broadcast your hot pics/personal problems to the world unless you want attention/sympathy from all your friends.

-- Have you ever posted a photo of yourself wearing a bikini, hoping your crush would discover it and ask you out on a date? Only to have your crush IGNORE you and five gross NERDS compliment you instead!!!

 Ugh, how embarrassing, right? But of course you're too shy and modest to send the bathing suit photo directly to your crush.

I have a solution for you. See that little padlock icon right next to the share box? You don't see it right away, but as soon as you preview a photo or begin to type text it will appear:

The padlock settings let you control who sees your pics and posts. The default is "Everyone" (or whatever you set up in your account settings). But look!

You can select "customize" to limit who sees your pics. As you see in the tutorial, Downy altered her photo settings to prevent Poindexter Bottlefly from commenting on her bikini pic, cramping her style.

You can also select "customize" to make your photos visible to your CRUSH ONLY! Here's how:

To save time in the future, you can click that checkbox at the bottom to make it your default setting.

See? After your photo downloads, the little lock appears. Mouse over it to confirm that ONLY YOUR CRUSH can see the hot pic.

Hope I didn't open up a can of worms there.

3. Want to get into a long, personal conversation with a friend? Don't write on his wall -- Send him a message!

I know that when you first click "send a message," only a tiny centimeter of space appears, assuming you have nothing substantial to say. As you type, however, the message box EXPANDS, allowing you to write as much as you wish!

Posting a comment directly on your friend's wall lets the whole world read your personal business. Some people are shocked when someone in the "real world" mentions a tidbit of information, read on Facebook, that was meant as a surreptitious dialogue. Avoid this wildness by keeping private matters private. Which brings me to the next point...

4. Realize that Facebook isn't a personal diary, but a social network displaying your information and thoughts to all your friends, if not the entire world. 

"How'd you get my number?" asks the flaky no-show from your group project.

"How did you know I'd be in town this week?" asks the high-school chum who wants nothing to do with you anymore.

"What makes you think I'm single?" asks the cute crush who doesn't return your affections.

Yes, everyone can read your Facebook information and thoughts, not just the guy/gal you have a crush on.

Scary stuff, huh? Well, if Disgracebook is ruining your life, there are a few options:

• Follow the tutorial above to ensure only your crush can see your posts.
• Continue using Facebook as normal, lose your mind, and play into the great scheme to destroy civilization. 
• Get off of Facebook and put your saved time into writing anti-Facebook articles.
• Explore a new hobby that doesn't involve being connected to the Internet. Gardening, crosshatching with a dip pen, or playing football are viable options. Check into Facebook only occasionally, to see what's going on in the hood. Report your activity to an accountability partner.
• Just post funny stuff or your artwork and business related business, avoiding emotional involvement with others in your network. Share laughs and articles and be yourself without the drama! Ha ha!

The Choice is Yours.

Cat's in the Cradle

Hej gang!

I can't find a real job up to my standards, so I've been supplementing my unemployment checks with my own online business!

Three days a week (I can't work any more than that or I'll lose my unemployment), I go to JoAnn Fabrics and purchase thread and plastic beads. Next, I string the beads on the thread to make necklaces or bracelets which I sell for a profit in my Etsy shop! It's hard work, but you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy. I've got a kid to support!

Brown Hope Bracelet ($10.00)

Sometimes I don't feel like getting up to buy beads, so I just upcycle some junk I have lying around the house. Here's an oriole feeder I made out of thread, raisins and orange slices: 

You pass the thread through your window screen, secure the ends, and presto!! If you live on an upper level, it's squirrel proof, too! I'm selling these beauties for $5.00 a pop. Sorry, oranges not included anymore -- I've had customers complain about the mold and swarms of fruit flies shooting out at them as they opened the package.

Oriole Feeder ($5.00)

I took the knitting EXCO offered in library school, but that turned out to be an "Epic Fail" as the kids love to say. Since I can't knit in the traditional sense, I've been "finger-knitting" these long thin things. 

Perhaps you can wear one as an ironic belt -- the kids are into that sort of thing, right? Or perhaps I'll glue some eyes to one end and pass off my creations as little snake toys!

Sammy the Snake ($15.00)

Well sayonara, I have a cat to take care of. "Taking care of a cat takes 5 minutes a day at most," you say? Haha, you got me! I'm just going to eat some donuts in front of the TV. Check it out!

The Garden

THE BIBLIOWHINING WASTEFUL PRODUCTS BUYING GUIDE

Soap Chum

Sick of washing filthy scum out of the  soap dish? Tired of refilling those dispensers or cleaning up liquid soap drippings? Soap Chum is for you! These individually-wrapped tiny soaps come in two sizes -- one for showering and an even smaller one for hand-washing! Each pack contains only enough bar soap to wash your hands once or take one shower.

Olive Oil 100-Calorie Packs

Everyone knows about the health benefits of Olive Oil! High in monounsaturated "good" fat, the miracle product stops cancer and heart disease cold in their tracks. Unfortunately, the oil is high in calories, and if you add too much to your salad if could make YOU fat -- and that's "bad"! With the big old bottles olive oil usually comes in, it's easy to accidentally add more than the 1 tbsp. serving size. But not anymore! Take care of your health while completely disregarding the health of the environment with Olive Oil 100-calorie packs!

Pre-Written Post-Its

In this fast-paced digital age, who can bother to sharpen a pencil or uncap a pen? Unfortunately, we can't avoid everything, and Pre-Written Post-Its are made for these occasions. Each note comes with one pre-written common activity or grocery item. When you need to remember to do something or get groceries, select the appropriate Post-It note(s) for the occasion and put them on your fridge or in your wallet! Pre-written Post-Its come in packs of 100 alphabetized items.

Mouthwash Shots

Our family members say they don't put their lips to the mouthwash bottle, but sometimes they lie. If you'd like to avoid contaminating yourself with your husband's or children's bacteria, try mouthwash shots. Simply rip off the protective seal, shoot the mouthwash for a burst of freshness and dispose of the plastic cup. Mouthwash shots come in monthly packages of 30 or "family size" 150. Order now and get one of those stupid single-use flossing things that's actually a real product.

She's Not There

I lost my "active" Moleskine notebook today. That's where I flesh out most of my comic scripts and jot down ideas. The story has a happy ending, though: retracing my steps, I found the lost Pac-Man limited edition black book in the public library lost n' found.

DO YOU THINK ANYONE READ IT?! Imagine reading this stuff out of context. And I totally had my name and address inside, too...YIKES!!

I also had a little writeup (for the purposes of a suspense story) on how to create a false online presence for a competitor. I'll try to remember to scan that next time.

So Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, is upon us. While not Catholic, I habitually give something up on Lent because it helps me break bad habits long-term. One year I gave up soda, particularly Mountain Dew, which I used to drink all the time. This year I'm giving up bread. I've been eating lots of sandwiches lately, being that there's a WaWa right down the street, and my 4-pack is beginning to soften as a result. Unacceptable. I think the "Barbie dolls" glorified in the media are pretty boring to look at. On an unrelated note, when I lean forward and feel a small roll of fat caving in and exerting pressure against my torso, it's a signal that I need to change my diet and exercise habits. I'm not fat, but I feel discomfort when layers of fat prevent me from comfortably moving as I like. It's very easy to make a small change in my lifestyle to combat the problem before it escalates into something worse, so rather than sandwiches and rolls, I shall satisfy my hunger with rice and other healthy non-bread foods.

I also plan to give up INVACEBOOK. I'll continue to update the blog page, but not my personal profile. That's the plan, at least. I don't know if I'll keep that up, though. I like the Invacebook sometimes because I have lots of cartoonists and writers in my network, and it's awesome reading and looking at their new stuff. I don't waste time on there, or have it connected to my cellular phone. I write lots of long-winded statuses, but I'd be writing somewhere else if not on Facebook. Look at me now!

The problem is, I don't enjoy watching culture crumble before my eyes. "It can't get any worse than this," I think and then some horrible new technology comes up that makes people speak and write shorter sentences and pay less attention to things than the day before. I hate spending time editing long statuses down to 420 (HA!) characters. Seriously, I've spent longer amounts of time editing a damn status down than I did writing this entire blog entry right here. I make that effort because I like to share my thoughts and observations about things, possibly with the intention of starting a little dialogue or banter. Rarely do I write some boring drivel like "today is friday," beacause I don't care much to blather on just so people can see my face on their feed or whatever. But there's no evidence that anyone ever reads 3/4 of my stuff, then meanwhile a sorority girl writes "Good Morning" or something and gets like 50 likes and replies. Discouraging.

I'm also sort of sick of these old-hat political debates popping up all the time, you know. And rarely does anyone have a normal, common sense argument, it's just a rehash of the same old tired lines over and over again. And I get sucked into them, tempted to share my views and it's like a stressful thing. But I know that sharing my views via InVacebook reply in a long chain of 50 other replies would be a giant waste of time and would not change anyone's mind or even be read after the next two respondants bump my comment out of visibility-land.

I hate posting something that's meant to be funny and sarcastic and brighten days and then having kids misread my tone and get offended. The alternative, I suppose, would be to post YouTube clips of Family Guy episodes. I was considering replying to all such offended comments with a link to the "Lemonade? Please" episode of "Itchy & Scratchy," but it is too difficult to find and perhaps too outdated of a reference.

Sometimes I make up fake information about myself, like that I'm "in an open relationship" or some silly nonsense which, while I'm doing it I think is obvious in its facetiousness. Next thing I know hordes of friends are calling me or messaging me or commenting asking if it's so, and who. I hate that, and who cares whether or not I'm in a relationship. Why so interested in that over all else? I get more feedback from nonsense relationship stuff I make up than any comics or artwork. This is also sort of a depressing thing.

And what I REALLY hate is that damn new way photos are displayed, small and in a black frame. What a crapola birthday present that was, as I first saw it on February the 14th. I immediately saw the problem with that, from the very first picture I clicked!!! Practically impossible to decipher small text and hidden background gags in comics and other artwork. And who wants to make the extra effort to actually go to a Web-page or blog and view the art in higher quality, or even to press "refresh" in order to magnify the photo?  Practically no one, as far as I've seen. Clearly, the hack -- Zuckerberg's new girlfriend, I'm guessing -- set up the new photo display imagining duckfaced little teenagers uploading phone pics of themselves donning bikinis and sipping Corona Lights as they tan at the shore. Surely no one uses INVACEBOOK to share their creative output. And yet the coders do nothing to correct sad mistakes such as this, instead they lie doggo, brainstorming the next steps in destroying our civilization. This is another depressing thing about InVacebook. No sir, I don't like it.

Meat Party

Ladies and gentlemen, "Swiney Todd" (c) 2011, Chrissy Spallone

I wrote this "rap" (read it again with rap in mind in case the foot and meter was throwing you off) in the shower a couple weeks ago. It gets boring in there sometimes...not much else to do once I'm finished reading the riddles on my shampoo bottles. Showering is one of my least favorite things to do, but I try to make the best of it.

The gym is another common place where ideas are born. I wrote "Bun Home" on a rowing machine...

I hope you enjoyed "Swiney Todd". The medium is all pencils of varying hardnesses. I used a kneaded eraser to highlight areas where light would hit. One of my favorite techniques.