Bibliowhining

What's That Smell?

2012-01-16T11:05:00.000-08:00

What Does Your Breakfast Sandwich Say About You?

2011-12-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

Having graduated from an elite psychology program, I possess a well of knowledge for all things related to human behavior. Like the editors of Seventeen magazine, I’ve observed that your choice of breakfast egg & cheese sandwich says a lot about you and the friends you choose.

1. Philadelphia Food Truck Egg and Cheese

Because the Philly Food Trucks aren’t as popular or overtly cheerful as the fast food chains, some avoid them in favor of “safer” fare. Don’t be fooled: despite the lack of advertising and “service with a smile,” there’s love in that there sandwich.

These guys will do anything for you – they’ll stand out in the hot sun and cold rain to serve you breakfast, and they’ll even put the salt, pepper and ketchup directly on the sandwich -- if you want those seasonings, that is. It’s always the perfect amount. With six simple ingredients – cheese, eggs, salt, pepper, ketchup and a roll – the Philadelphia Food Truck guys can whip up an amazingly delicious, wholesome meal like the mother you never had. These sandwiches would like to have a meaningful, sympatico relationship with you.

2. Fast Food Restaurant Egg & Cheese

Swayed by commercial jingles and glossy photographs, everyone knows that fast food restaurant breakfast sandwiches are the same no matter where he goes. Many prefer service with a smile of dubious sincerity and the idea that they know what they’re getting – though surely much darkness lies beneath that plastic veneer.

Like the fly girl at the club, these sandwiches “put themselves out there.” For this reason, many believe these sandwiches are good-quality and worth seeking out. Soaking up bull like the egg in your sandwich, you are a sponge.

3. Homemade Egg & Cheese Sandwich

Neither a leader nor a follower, you are a loner and surely on your way to becoming a serial killer. What’s that in your closet? Dead bodies and secrets shared with no one.

As an extrovert who loves partying, I know that my interests and ideas of fun are exactly the same as everyone else’s unless they are crazy. If you fall into the latter category, I’ll order up a nice Wellbutrin/Lexapro/Clonazepam combo to change your nature enough to prevent others from feeling uncomfortable around you. Would you like fries and a soft drink with that?

Go out there and buy yourself a Sausage McMuffin, you antisocial weasel!

Merry Christmas from Bibliowhining.

Ploy to the World?

2011-12-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

Here's "Ploy to the World?", the Chick Tract parody I drew for the 6th annual Angry Drunk Graphics Holiday Spectacular minicomic. They only made 100 copies to give away at the mind-blowingly awesome Christmas show, so this is for those of you who couldn't make it. The minicomic also featured stories and art by Justin Melkmann, Doug Paszkiewicz, Steve Vincent and Sergio Zuniga, with covers by Mike Diana and Humanburger Jones. (There were a few other comics in there, too, but the authors escape me! Please correct me in the comments if you want.)

I hope Peelander Z returns next year; that was the best live set I've seen.

Stern Woman Apathetic to Flies

2011-12-16T10:53:00.000-08:00

Friends, I have recently entered a t-shirt design competition for Tofurky. If you have a moment, please show your support by "liking" my design on Facebook. My design is the one with the two kids and the hot dog vendor. Thank you very much!

Do It For the Kids!

2011-12-02T21:08:00.000-08:00

Well what have we here in the supermarket magazine aisle within view and reach of tender young eyes and hands? Intellectually stimulating, inspiring and witty reading material like Cricket, Ranger Rick, any comics at all or even Mad? NO! Mind-numbing, base, lowest-common-denominator Justin Bieber pictorial magazines designed as training wheels for Seventeen and Cosmopolitan!

Yes, magazine publishers, supermarket stockers and parents, please work together to deaden our culture and set the next generation up for failure: every month, present these near-identical rags as the only visible reading options. Yes, teach young ladies to lust after some fungible, mop-topped pop star and beg their moms for makeup and trendy clothes so they can look like Selena Gomez.

Nowhere to be found???

This is not funny, and I can’t stand it. Bring your children over to the computer screen. I have a message for them.

Kids, Justin Bieber won’t be babyfaced and non-threatening forever, but that brain in your heads will stick with you for the rest of your life. Please don’t train it to passively absorb rotten pablum at such a young age. It may be difficult to go against the grain on this one, but remember: In the great scheme of things, it doesn’t matter what your peers think re: your taste in magazines and pop stars. Few, if any, of the classmates you have now will still be in your life ten years from now.

Maybe the other kids will think you’re strange because you don’t hang Justin Bieber clippings on the wall and kiss them on the lips, but who cares, seriously. Maybe some of your childhood and adolescence will be lonely and sad because you don’t model yourself after Selena Gomez or whoever is the teen girl star of the moment right now. Don’t worry about it; find a cool hobby to boost your confidence and keep you busy. Ride your bike, play some sports (yep) or go running to wear you out so you don’t stay up at night worrying about things. By establishing these habits, you will be setting yourself up for success and richness in later years.

Beware of the self-fulfilling prophecy, avoid screwing up your life with drugs, alcohol or Mountain Dew, stay humble and someday you will be cool in spite of -- nay, because of your lack of Justin Bieber posters. And the being humble part is important; It is unwise to make a big conceited show about how your interests are so much better and cooler and more obscure than everyone elses; be honest about your tastes, but never arrogant or pushy. Having said that, share what you enjoy if others seem interested; there’s nothing worse than the exclusive cool kid who suddenly gets angry and defensive when other people discover a band, TV show, etc. he likes. And if you really do like Justin Bieber, well, that’s fine, too. We all have our guilty pleasures. But keep an open mind to other things you might like; talents you envy in others that you would like to possess, and spend some time exploring them. Jealousy is nature's way of telling you to hone your talents, study or work out harder to achieve your goals. Many turn jealousy into statements such as, "Sure, she's a great clarinet player and always gets the band solos, but that doesn't matter because she's fat and ugly." Words and thoughts such as that will do nothing to enhance your life. You’re still young, and when you’re old like me and realize you could never be a great piano player because you can only be really great if you start out in childhood, you’ll look back and regret some of the wasted time gone by.

Think about some of the characters you’ve admired in comics, classic literature and movies. Are they materialistic, obsessed with celebrity gossip and desperate for the approval of others or do they have a little bit more depth, soul and integrity? Why not look to these characters as examples rather than create a smokescreen to appease mean classmates who pass judgment on you?

Surely there’s something better tucked away in the back of the magazine rack, there…let’s not let it die out like Nickelodeon Magazine and maybe there will be hope for you yet. Ah! Games and Highlights. What are they doing all the way in the back? Is this some sort of conspiracy?

Well, now they’re in the front, covering the awful trash. Merry Christmas, kids; I have given at least a few of you the gift of knowledge. Enjoy the anachronistic comic exploits of Goofus and Gallant and The Timbertoes. Exercise your minds and develop problem-solving skills with a Games Magazine puzzle or two.

Parents: why not add a few books, strategy games, puzzles, art supplies or musical instruments in with the DVDs this year? It would be great if kids actually had a fighting chance to accomplish something besides sitting in front of the MTV eating Ho-Hos with a glazed, deadened look in their eyes. You can buy very good books for under a dollar on Amazon, and if you register for a free library card you can check out all kinds of books for the kids at no charge. Usually the library has brand-new material in addition to the classics; they don’t simply rotate the same taped-up, crumbling books from the 1950s in perpetuity as some believe.

And do what I did with the magazine rack at your local book, drug or grocery store. What’s the worst that could happen, some store associate tells you not to? This has never happened to me and I’m sure very few would care even if they notice. Do it for the kids.

Proposed Facebook Changes for the New Year (2012)

2011-11-22T16:40:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Mark Duckernerd, the dark lord of the Internet.

Just as a heads up: over the next few weeks, I shall be rolling out some changes to "You-Know-What" that some might find upsetting. These changes will greatly affect the way you interact with friends and loved ones, and, more importantly, the way you buy and sell things on the Internet.

As the Apocalypse draws nearer, it is of utmost importance that I make as much money as possible from its great whore, a creature more commonly known as FACEBOOK.

I have billions of dollars, but it is imperative that I make trillions more at the risk of severing countless friendships with silly drama and sucking all of you into a mind-numbing, addictive rut. What is more insulting, the facts explicated in the last sentence or the strongly implied assumption that I know what's best for you? Yes, despite your initial whines and protests, you will yield to and eventually love everything I do.

But it's all the same in the end. Of course I know what's best for you -- after all, I went to Harvard for a year. What's best for you is what's best for me: instant gratification at the risk of losing your soul.

tl;dr? No problem! I understand you're very busy. Enjoy this list of awesome fb changes!

1. Auto-Comment
Great news! Now you don't have to think about writing anything anymore! Facebook will use its AMAZING algorithm to scan your "friends'" statuses for content, and will auto-reply with the appropriate stock comment!

Somebody's birthday? No need to go through the GRUELING procedure of "walling an hb!" Facebook auto-comment will do it for you! Someone's loved one died? Facebook will scan for the words and phrases "passed away," "RIP," or "died" and will auto-comment "I'm sorry for your loss" or one of five similar messages on your behalf.

Facebook will also scan for jokes and profound quotes! If a mutual friend comments "lol," "haha" or "you're absolutely right" in response to a friend's status, Facebook will slap on a similar message in your name!

2. Facebook Storefront
We've noticed how much you enjoy logging in to your Facebook account before commenting on news stories and blogs around the Web. All of your friends are interested in all the same news stories that you are and want to read everything you have to say about all of them, with all anonymity removed! Taking that logic one step further, it will soon be impossible to buy or sell anything online before logging into your Facebook. After making a purchase, the item you bought will be displayed on your wall and your friends' feeds! That way, they can share in your shopping pleasure with the option to purchase an identical item!

3. Facebook Wingman
Men: Facebook got your back! Whenever one of your unattached lady friends posts a cheesecake photo of herself, Facebook will scan the photo and compare it to your past girlfriends' body types to see if it suits your tastes. If it does, the machine will "like" it and auto-comment a stock compliment! Don't worry about drama; Facebook will first check whether you're gay, in a relationship or married before "liking." Or maybe not...its capricious like that.

Check out how Facebook Wingman aids Mallard Failmore as he courts young Downy Duckbottom:

4. "Peek-a-Boo" Chat
Imagine: everyone on your friends list can join the party as you engage in a private conversation with one of your pals. We plan to implement this feature randomly, when you least expect it. It gives us the element of surprise.

As you can see in the lower right hand corner, Mallard can enjoy Downy and Marshy's little virtual catfight, all thanks to "Peek-a-Boo" chat.

...So them's the changes, folks! I know your little mouths are agape, your heads shaking vigorously at the creepiness of it all. I also know you'll grow to love it -- just like you've acquired a taste for the budget beer that features so prominently in your photo galleries. I love how you all contrive situations and moments with the ultimate goal of posting them on Facebook and getting loads of little red notifications in the upper left hand corner. By all means, don't enjoy the simple pleasures of that party, concert or trip in real time as you had in years gone by.

Sometimes I sit back in my cubicle throne and chuckle at your exhibitionism. Sheep, think I. Then I get distracted and tab over to YouTube for a bit.

Remember: this is Duckernerd talking, I have temporarily taken control of Chrissy's blog.

tl;dr? Awesome! Hope you like the changes, honey!

"Thanks For the Great Changes, Facebook" a meme by Chrissy Spallone

ETA: Oh yeah, and Happy Thanksgiving!

In Which Chrissy Makes a Halloween Pumpkin

2011-11-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

So I made a pumpkin for Halloween. People seemed to like it, so I'll show you how I made it!

After painting on a design with India ink (above, left) I eviscerated the pumpkin with an ordinary utility knife (left). This wasn't so easy, and some specialized jigsaw-type blade probably would have facilitated the process. In the end, however, the utility knife did what I needed it to do... unlike this blog editor. It's like, I get it perfect in the editor, then I view my actual blog and the formatting is completely different and horrible. I'm sure it looks different and worse on different browsers and screen sizes, too, but what am I supposed to do. This is why I like to work with my hands and actual artifacts. Bear with me; the content is worthwhile.

I didn't hack out all the pumpkin's features. Instead, I opted to carve some details in relief so the light would shine through them in varying intensities.

I hoped to purchase some linoleum cutters for this purpose, but I couldn't find them at the hardware store, nor did I feel like trekking all the way to Dick Blick in Philly, where I know they carry sets of cutters at jacked up art supply store prices. Linoleum cutters, by the way, are those speedball pens with interchangeable curved blades used to carve out designs for linoleum stamps. I had a hard time describing them to the Ace Hardware employee, so try a Google Image search if you're confused.

Anyway, I ended up removing the erasers from some pencils and cutting the metal tips into curved blades. I then used the ghetto lino cutters to scrape away at my pumpkin (right).

The lino cutters couldn't get into the real fine details, so I used kebab sticks to pierce clean holes in the eyes and scratch at various other spots (below, left). Those kebab sticks did double duty later on (below, right). Those staked gourds might look a little precarious, but it's all an illusion.

I'm a gruesome guy, you know. I love that old "Tales from the Crypt" gore and decay and don't see much of it around these days. In the interest of being repulsive, I carved small pockets into the pumpkin's sides, using a potato peeler, and inserted pimento olives to act as bloody, gangrenous boils.

Because the larger pumpkin would be eating tiny gourds, I constructed arms for him so he could lift the unfortunate midgets into his mouth. To do this, I bent a wire coat hanger into an arm shape, pushed it into the pumpkin's side and covered it with paper mache (above, right), which I later painted orange to match his skin. This paper mache is an approximate 50/50 mix of white flour and water. Were this a permanent project, I would worry about mold and such. But it's a Jack O'Lantern.

I surrounded the main pumpkin with smaller gourds and apples which I either carved with an X-acto knife or painted with India Ink. Ignoring the possibility of fire hazard (ehh...I had an extinguisher nearby), I placed the display in a bed of autumn leaves and lit everything up.

Check out the gummy worms, the tiny gourd inside the pumpkin's mouth and the antique colored twinkle lights. Twinkle lights, by the way, were used on Christmas Trees before electric light strands came out. Talk about a fire hazard!

Thanks for reading, and enjoy the Christmas music.

Kill My Free Time

2011-09-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

Kitty Bear of "A World Without Surprises" returns in "Kill My Free Time," a comic burlesque about online conduct and branding. It's good to be back!

I dunno guys, drawing comics is fun and all, but what a time suck! I was thinking maybe of making memes instead. They're so much more popular these days, and I can make one in like 5 minutes. I don't know, what do you guys think?

How to Get More Hits on My Website

2011-09-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

One thing people is always asking themselves these days are "How to Get More Hits on My Website" or "How to Get More Traffic to My Website." Well, this site is here to provide information for "How to Get More Hits on My Website."

First, search the Internet using the search terms "How to Get More Hits on Your Website" or "How to Get More Traffic to Your Website." Google and Ask are some useful tools you can use to search for information on the Internet and learn about "How to Get More Hits on My Website."

Next, build a Website. There are many tools on the Internet which can give you the information you need to get started in building your own Website. Try using a search engine to find some information and software you can use to build your site. You can also go to school to learn about web design and search engine optimization.

Here is another way to get lots of hits, and to "Increase traffic to my Etsy Store." Prease go to my Etsy store and buy "Mediocre Narcotica's Greatest Hits." Once you receive this astounding book, you will be sure to get lots of useful hits.

Oh, perhaps I am misunderstanding you, friend! Am I mistaking your intentions? Did you mean to increase traffic to YOUR site, and not to MY site, Bibliowhining? Please accept my dearest apologies. To discover the secret for getting more hits on YOUR website, please continue with your Google searching. I must seem like a real sleazebag, huh?

Psst, I'm just making fun of these stupid websites. I'm not really trying to spam you or promote my comic ad nauseum. The air is getting crisper and cooler, and soon my outdoor options will be limited, or at least less fun. More NEW, FREE comics will be coming soon. -Chrissy

The Sketchbook Project Progress Report

2011-09-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve been participating in The Sketchbook Project lately. It’s a pretty neat concept – for a fee, you get a small, thin Moleskine cahier-style sketchbook that I can add other paper to if you wish, as long as the spine doesn’t get any thicker than 1 inch. When I’m finished with the sketchbook, I’ll mail it to the Brooklyn Art Library and some librarians will archive and digitize my book forever, placing it in a sketchbook collection available for the public to browse as they wish. In 2012, that year’s submissions will be exhibited around the country on a “tour.” Here’s what I have so far! Plenty of worthy stuff to draw right around my town.

Ocean City, NJ

I add these little color notes sometimes in case I want to ink the drawing later or turn it into a painting.

Rittenhouse Square, Philadelphia, PA

Love Park (JFK Plaza), Philadelphia, PA

I soon discovered that the original sketchbook’s pages don’t take ink wash very well (you’ll see evidence of that shortly), so I traced this sketch to convert it into a proper ink drawing. I was planning to add the drawing back into the sketchbook, but I liked it so much it’s now hanging on my wall. Yeah, I get kind of attached to my work when I first draw it, then in a few years it’s so embarrassing to look at that I can’t bear to sell nor give it to anyone else. Great business sense, huh?

Central Park, NYC, NY

A college friend invited me to spend the afternoon with her sketching in NYC, where she lives. If you live in the Philly area and are interested in a fun little day trip, take the Chinatown bus to NYC, draw people in the parks and on the subways and eat dumplings for lunch in Chinatown. The complete trip, including transportation and food, cost less than 30 bucks.

Haddon Township, NJ

And now we’re back in my immediate area. For a change of pace, here are some vaguely creepy tonal drawings. Some say they contain hidden images!

Thanks for lookin’! If you’re interested in joining the Sketchbook Project, there’s still plenty of time to sign up! Registration ends in October.

Fasc-Book is Here!

2011-08-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

FASC-BOOK IS HERE!!!

Sick of the ordinary, mind-numbing social networking sites? Looking for something a little more…superior?

Remember when Facebook required all users to have a .edu email address? As Harvard alumni and viewers of The Social Network know, Facebook once limited access to Harvard students alone, separating its exclusive club of networkers from the unwashed, uneducated masses on MySpace. Well, that limitation went down the toilet pretty quick, didn’t it? As you accepted friend requests from your grandmother and dog, Facebook became more and more like its Cro-Magnon forefathers, distinguished only by its devastatingly addictive information architecture and branding.

We at Fasc-book strive to regain that exclusivity. As a Fasc-book user, rest assured that only you and a select minority will ever have access to this precious, superior social networking site.

Just send us a blood sample! Fasc-book authorities will run a quick analysis to determine whether your genetic makeup is pure enough to connect with and share Internet memes with others of your ilk. Once verified, you will receive a pass-code granting access to the network.

Check out this exclusive preview! (Click on the image to see it larger.)

Remember Google +, the obvious Facebook knockoff that lit up the twitterverse and blogosphere for a couple weeks in July of 2011? That never really caught on, did it? Who wants to spend time duplicating their friends lists, statuses, self-report data and photos onto a separate but not equal network that offers nothing new?

Join us at Fasc-book, the Facebook alternative with a purpose beyond simple theft. Segregate yourself with Fasc-book. The future is here!

PRINTED COMICS ARE HERE!

2011-08-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

In this digital age where nearly every song, movie and comic is freely available, we sometimes forget the art of the album. The way the artist carefully organizes her tracks to make the whole album flow together so cohesively. The way the cover art complements the music -- especially on an LP. Remember looking at those old record sleeves for hours, taking it all in? Wasn't it nice to hold a solid object in your hand? Wasn't it a breath of fresh air, knowing that solid object would always be there for you, would never disappear due to some computer crash or the malfunctioning of a device designed to become obsolete in a year, a month?

Sure you can read my comics on here, for free, but why not buy the printed version? Pass it to your friends, turn a flashlight on and read it under the bedsheets after hours -- free yourself from reading things on the horrible Internet, where Facebook and email and unfinished homework hover on the next tab, distracting you and robbing you of your childlike peace of mind.

MEDIOCRE NARCOTICA'S GREATEST HITS VOL. 1 -- $2.99 - CHEAP!

14 pages in glorious black and white with color covers, no ads. Includes Mediocre Narcotica comics created from 2010 through 2011 and funny fake advertisements. Professionally printed and bound. 8.5 by 11 inches. Available now from my Etsy shop.

Lots of fun text to read and detailed, old-school pen-and-ink drawings to pick apart. I know you'll enjoy it, and it costs less than a fancy coffee drink!

The Bibliowhining 2nd Anniversary Clip Show!

2011-07-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

It's already been two years, Jack! This blog started out as a humble personal site, and I'm surprised at how much it's grown, and how much my drawing and storytelling abilities have improved -- though there's definitely room for improvement there. I have a print comic coming out soon, which may explain my recent lack of entries. But while you're waiting for that, check out the comics I've made over the past years, as well as the top 10 most popular entries read over the year! Enjoy! And thanks for reading.

List of Comics, July 2010-June 2011
1. "Dunkin's Drivers," 2010. A satirical color comic listing the reasons for getting a driver's license.
2. "Archie/Chick Tract Crossover," 2010. As a Veronica comic unveils a new gay character, this tract warns about the dangers of gluttony, a deadly sin Jughead has glorified for decades.
3. "Five (5) Simple Ways You Can Lose Weight, Slim Down and Reduce Excess Fat," 2010. The title is making fun of SEO search engine spamming tactics, while the color comic itself satirizes America's obsession with weight loss articles and magazines when the content contained within is always incredibly obvious.
4. "Ram Bam-A-Lam," 2010. One of my personal favorite Mediocre Narcotica songs. It was stuck in my head all day yesterday, in fact. I have an idea for a music video if anyone wants to start a real punk band with me.
5. "Back to the Suture," 2010. A Halloween comic inspired by old Tales from the Crypt stories. This mysterious quiet dude goes back in time to purchase old records to sell in the future for a profit, and also captures a woman to kill over and over again. Convoluted!
6. The Dunkin Swine entry explores the evolution of the classic Dunkin Swine character with comics and drawings from 2005 to 2008. Wince with me at the crudeness.
7. "Family Guy Get Off the Air," 2011. An eponymous Mediocre Narcotica song.
8. "2012 Skidoo!," 2011. Mediocre Narcotica sings about the upcoming apocalypse, and I finally find good-quality Bristol board so the art is pretty nice for the first time in a while.
9. "X Says Goodbye," 2011. A friend is strangely upset that I used his likeness in four of my comics.
10. "Swiney Todd," 2011. A dark little poem with tonal pencil drawings. People liked it.
11. "The Bibliowhining Guide to Facebook Etiquette and Management," 2011. Colorful and educational. Back then I left Facebook, so disciplined. Of course it's sucked me back in again. And what's the deal with Google +???!!!
12. What I would draw if I was a New Yorker cartoonist. Proof that I could be popular if I really wanted to be.
13. "No More 9-11," 2011. Mediocre Narcotica responds to the death of Osama Bin Laden before South Park does.
14. "Branny Culture," 2011. A satirical response to liberals' attempted criminalization of cartoon cereal mascots and brightly colored packaging.
15. "Idoling," 2008/2011. A rare personal comic about being an introvert. I jokingly refer to "introvert pride," but I don't think pride is a good thing. It's better to be humble.
16. "Banana Slug Love," 2011. A tonal pencil comic and poem about the mating rituals of the Banana Slug.
17. "Dr. Rip Me Off," 2011. Mediocre Narcotica sings about doctors ripping you off. The comic is funny, unlike the reality.
18. "Fungible Friends," 2011. A Sea Monkeys parody for word nerds.

AND...here's the 10 most popular non-comic entries, assuming that hits and time spent looking at a page mean anything.

10. Lament for Locos, a short film in which my friend Karl and I discuss our plans for the future and make fun of art school, college and so on. It's a funny film, and I hope you watch it. Great soundtrack.
9. Dunkin Swine makes a match.com profile. This entry was from last year, but people like a little romance with their black humor, I suppose.
8. Dunkin Swine makes a fake etsy store and eats donuts, Wawa coffee.
7. The Bibliowhining Wasteful Products Buying Guide is a photographic spoof of the overpackaged products I've seen in stores. Later on Google analytics I noticed the key words "individually wrapped soap for single-use handwashing" brought someone to this page. Evidently, there is a real demand for these products.
6. Peek inside my Moleskine notebook.
5. "Coke Fiend Chris," 2004/2009 This is a comic, but since it isn't in the above list I'll link it here. Definitely a fan favorite, and one of Bibliowhining's first entries.
4. Chrissy builds a little house for an advent calendar.
3. "Eat It," a much beloved early 2010 entry with colored paintings of horrible recipes. This entry is spoofing Katie Lee Joel and those other food columnists who basically describe how to serve already-prepared spreads and junk from bottles and cans.
2. I'm surprised to see that my self-portrait with worms crawling out of my eyes is one of the most viewed and longest viewed entries. That's awesome.
1. Tutorial on how to make a Moleskine notebook. But there are better ones out there. This probably just came up in a lot of search results for how to make your own Moleskine notebook.
Thanks for being a fan!

Friends are Fun with Fungible Friends

2011-06-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

I conceived this Sea Monkeys comic book ad parody while doing laundry this afternoon and couldn't wait to draw and share it! I even used a hair dryer to dry the ink faster.

"Fungible Friends," (c)2011, Chrissy Spallone

Check out the lady Fungible Friend, The three legs are faithful to the original ad:

I know it's technically a tail, but the adman's intentions are clear: Sea Monkeys will make you virile.

Help Bibliowhining go viral! Share comics you like on inVacebook and become a fan!

Dr. Rip Me Off

2011-06-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

The song title entries were fun, but for organization purposes I'm gonna start naming my entries more obviously. Of course, "Dr. Rip Me Off" is technically a song now. Pretty meta, huh? Is that the right way to use that word?

Lola

2011-06-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Be True to Your School

2011-06-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just wrote several giant, not-so-positive paragraphs "critiquing" art school, but in an effort to make my blog less text heavy, I posted the rant as a note on Bibliowhining's Facebook page. Check it out! I hope you "like" it.

On a lighter note, last week I went to Moo Tattoo in Philadelphia, becoming the client of this excellent artist. He does comics, too. Appreciating his style and always seeking to better my own craft, I asked him various questions about what kind of white out to use, etc., and also how to do lettering nicely without typing it out on the computer.

Despite the popularity of my beloved “Ames Lettering Guide” tutorial, there has to be a better way. It’s tedious to position the ruler and draw all those perfectly-spaced lines every time, but I really prefer the warm, hand-done look to typed letters. An alternative, I learned, is to use a light desk and place a piece of ruled or graph paper between the desk and the Bristol board so the lines show through. I knew about using light desks for tracing before, but never thought of this useful application. So simple, just like every other helpful tip I’ve received here and there from editors and various other comic and storytelling connoisseurs who’ve passed through my life at one time or another.

Remember, folks: tattoos may be expensive, but not as expensive as art school! And certainly less painful than sitting through those damn critiques.

Being a little on the thrifty side, I thought I’d try making a ghetto light desk myself, just for the purposes of lettering. Looking around my small apartment, I found the ingredients:

A gooseneck lamp I got from the Syracuse University move-out trash last year.

A TCBY plastic advertising sign taken from the trash way back when I worked at TCBY.

Four volumes of “The Complete Peanuts” by Charles Schulz, published by Fantagraphics Books. Most certainly NOT trash! I may have gotten some of them half off with my intern discount.

Check it out: if I place my gooseneck lamp so the light shines up, it will illuminate the TCBY sign "desk." The two Peanuts collections are placed to elevate the "desk."

See?

Now a sheet of notebook paper or graph paper...

...And a sheet of Bristol board over that. See? The ruled lines show through the Brisol board!

Now I can letter with ease. And there you have it! Works for what I need it for. Obviously the TCBY logo is too distracting for this to work as a proper light desk, but for lettering alone it does a'ight.

IS THIS THE END OF THE AMES LETTERING GUIDE? Naw... I don't have the heart.

Born This Way

2011-05-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

Just like people of color or people in the gay/transgender/bi community are "born this way," I was "born this way" as an introvert. If you like art, books or music, chances are you have an introvert in your list of heroes. That quiet, secretive kid in class may give you the creeps or seem boring, but give him a chance! Introvert Pride! I was BORN THIS WAY, BABY! (Written in black, the official color for introvert pride).

I did this story a few years ago, but the drawing and writing were so clunky I decided to redo it. It was a fan favorite.

Speaking of "American Idol," did anyone catch that earnest young Italian trio "Il Volo" performing the classic song "O Sole Mio"? I thought they were a last-minute replacement for a relevant group, but now I'm seeing and, unfortunately, hearing them everywhere! The kids are into it, huh?

Since around 1997, I've been thinking, "Pop music can't get any worse than this," but this "popera" trip really threw me for a loop. BRAVO, guys! Didn't see this one coming. "Backstreet's Back" is actually sounding pretty good these days -- we're getting old, guys!

GOOD-NIGHT!

Killer Tofu

2011-05-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

Born To Die

2011-05-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

We'll get you next time, Gadget.

If you're not a fan of Bibliowhining on Invacebook, you're missing out on bonus drawings and other fun stuff! Click here to become a fan!

It's Too Late

2011-04-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

I had an idea for a new post, but the new South Park episode killed it. Please enjoy these pictures of miniature schnauzers and shichons, two fine dog breeds. Let's play a game: can you guess which one is my family dog?

Junk Mail

2011-04-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Oh, here's my contact info., by the way. I'd love to hear from you!

TV Eye

2011-04-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ruining Your Life?

Whenever I sit in a cafe or a library that's supposed to be quiet, I can't help but overhear folks conversing about the world's most fascinating topic: FACEBOOK.

"I have more friends than I can handle! I sure don't wanna make any more!!!"

"So and so keeps 'liking' my statuses, and it's driving me nuts! Is there a way to remove someone's 'like' from my post?"

"This TOTALLY WEIRD LOSER like sent me a friend request...but WHY?"

I suppose I've done my share of complaining, too. Even so, I can't help but think back to a simpler time when artists and writers -- even Stan Lee and other famous folks -- would include their business or personal mailing addresses in pamphlets and zines with an INVITATION for fans to correspond. Not just contact info -- an INVITATION! Quite the opposite today! Log into Facebook and you see stuff like this chillin' on your feed:

Isn't this nuts?! Disgracebook makes it so easy to make "friends" that some people are desperate to stop the flow of future friends and correspondence! Some make themselves unsearchable, or command others to alter personal privacy settings for their benefit! Yes, not so long ago, you had people of Stan Lee's renown inviting fans -- strangers -- to send in letters. In today's world, the kids from your high school and mine -- even those who haven't hit the big time -- are bending over backwards to avoid and delete surplus "friends."

NOT SURE HOW TO HANDLE YOUR THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS?

PARANOID THAT YOU MIGHT MAKE MORE?!

To you I present:

THE BIBLIOWHINING GUIDE TO FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE & MANAGEMENT

1. Stop sending friend requests to people you have absolutely no interest in.
Often, I would receive friend requests from old passers-by who barely/never conversed with me, or even disdained me in the past. This would be fine, except then I would message the person with a friendly "How've you been?" or somesuch, and get nothing in response. In fact, the old school chums ceased all contact after the initial add! Never would they "like" my statuses, comment on my posts, reply to my short, occasional questions or become a fan of this blog.

The ultimate goal had been accomplished: Adding one friend to a big list of friends, a pawn in the great scheme to create a smokescreen of power and popularity!

Before sending a friend request, think, "Do I really have any interest in this person whatsoever? Is there anything about her that I admire? Her talents? His looks? His wit and intellect? Her connections, even?" If the answer is no, simply don't add the friend. Instead, make up a fake profile for your pet or a celebrity. Add it to your friends. This way, you'll have one more friend:

On a similar note, if someone you don't care for sends you a friend request, simply let it be. Don't accept it and don't reject it -- at least not right away. This only causes problems and heartache!

2. Don't broadcast your hot pics/personal problems to the world unless you want attention/sympathy from all your friends.

-- Have you ever posted a photo of yourself wearing a bikini, hoping your crush would discover it and ask you out on a date? Only to have your crush IGNORE you and five gross NERDS compliment you instead!!!

Ugh, how embarrassing, right? But of course you're too shy and modest to send the bathing suit photo directly to your crush.

I have a solution for you. See that little padlock icon right next to the share box? You don't see it right away, but as soon as you preview a photo or begin to type text it will appear:

The padlock settings let you control who sees your pics and posts. The default is "Everyone" (or whatever you set up in your account settings). But look!

You can select "customize" to limit who sees your pics. As you see in the tutorial, Downy altered her photo settings to prevent Poindexter Bottlefly from commenting on her bikini pic, cramping her style.

You can also select "customize" to make your photos visible to your CRUSH ONLY! Here's how:

To save time in the future, you can click that checkbox at the bottom to make it your default setting.

See? After your photo downloads, the little lock appears. Mouse over it to confirm that ONLY YOUR CRUSH can see the hot pic.

Hope I didn't open up a can of worms there.

3. Want to get into a long, personal conversation with a friend? Don't write on his wall -- Send him a message!

I know that when you first click "send a message," only a tiny centimeter of space appears, assuming you have nothing substantial to say. As you type, however, the message box EXPANDS, allowing you to write as much as you wish!

Posting a comment directly on your friend's wall lets the whole world read your personal business. Some people are shocked when someone in the "real world" mentions a tidbit of information, read on Facebook, that was meant as a surreptitious dialogue. Avoid this wildness by keeping private matters private. Which brings me to the next point...

4. Realize that Facebook isn't a personal diary, but a social network displaying your information and thoughts to all your friends, if not the entire world.

"How'd you get my number?" asks the flaky no-show from your group project.

"How did you know I'd be in town this week?" asks the high-school chum who wants nothing to do with you anymore.

"What makes you think I'm single?" asks the cute crush who doesn't return your affections.

Yes, everyone can read your Facebook information and thoughts, not just the guy/gal you have a crush on.

Scary stuff, huh? Well, if Disgracebook is ruining your life, there are a few options:

Follow the tutorial above to ensure only your crush can see your posts.
Continue using Facebook as normal, lose your mind, and play into the great scheme to destroy civilization.
Get off of Facebook and put your saved time into writing anti-Facebook articles.
Explore a new hobby that doesn't involve being connected to the Internet. Gardening, crosshatching with a dip pen, or playing football are viable options. Check into Facebook only occasionally, to see what's going on in the hood. Report your activity to an accountability partner.
Just post funny stuff or your artwork and business related business, avoiding emotional involvement with others in your network. Share laughs and articles and be yourself without the drama! Ha ha!

The Choice is Yours. 

Cat's in the Cradle

2011-04-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hej gang!

I can't find a real job up to my standards, so I've been supplementing my unemployment checks with my own online business!

Three days a week (I can't work any more than that or I'll lose my unemployment), I go to JoAnn Fabrics and purchase thread and plastic beads. Next, I string the beads on the thread to make necklaces or bracelets which I sell for a profit in my Etsy shop! It's hard work, but you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy. I've got a kid to support!

Brown Hope Bracelet ($10.00)

Sometimes I don't feel like getting up to buy beads, so I just upcycle some junk I have lying around the house. Here's an oriole feeder I made out of thread, raisins and orange slices:

You pass the thread through your window screen, secure the ends, and presto!! If you live on an upper level, it's squirrel proof, too! I'm selling these beauties for $5.00 a pop. Sorry, oranges not included anymore -- I've had customers complain about the mold and swarms of fruit flies shooting out at them as they opened the package.

Oriole Feeder ($5.00)

I took the knitting EXCO offered in library school, but that turned out to be an "Epic Fail" as the kids love to say. Since I can't knit in the traditional sense, I've been "finger-knitting" these long thin things.

Perhaps you can wear one as an ironic belt -- the kids are into that sort of thing, right? Or perhaps I'll glue some eyes to one end and pass off my creations as little snake toys!

Sammy the Snake ($15.00)

Well sayonara, I have a cat to take care of. "Taking care of a cat takes 5 minutes a day at most," you say? Haha, you got me! I'm just going to eat some donuts in front of the TV. Check it out!

The Garden

2011-03-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

THE BIBLIOWHINING WASTEFUL PRODUCTS BUYING GUIDE

Soap Chum

Sick of washing filthy scum out of the soap dish? Tired of refilling those dispensers or cleaning up liquid soap drippings? Soap Chum is for you! These individually-wrapped tiny soaps come in two sizes -- one for showering and an even smaller one for hand-washing! Each pack contains only enough bar soap to wash your hands once or take one shower.

Olive Oil 100-Calorie Packs

Everyone knows about the health benefits of Olive Oil! High in monounsaturated "good" fat, the miracle product stops cancer and heart disease cold in their tracks. Unfortunately, the oil is high in calories, and if you add too much to your salad if could make YOU fat -- and that's "bad"! With the big old bottles olive oil usually comes in, it's easy to accidentally add more than the 1 tbsp. serving size. But not anymore! Take care of your health while completely disregarding the health of the environment with Olive Oil 100-calorie packs!

Pre-Written Post-Its

In this fast-paced digital age, who can bother to sharpen a pencil or uncap a pen? Unfortunately, we can't avoid everything, and Pre-Written Post-Its are made for these occasions. Each note comes with one pre-written common activity or grocery item. When you need to remember to do something or get groceries, select the appropriate Post-It note(s) for the occasion and put them on your fridge or in your wallet! Pre-written Post-Its come in packs of 100 alphabetized items.

Mouthwash Shots

Our family members say they don't put their lips to the mouthwash bottle, but sometimes they lie. If you'd like to avoid contaminating yourself with your husband's or children's bacteria, try mouthwash shots. Simply rip off the protective seal, shoot the mouthwash for a burst of freshness and dispose of the plastic cup. Mouthwash shots come in monthly packages of 30 or "family size" 150. Order now and get one of those stupid single-use flossing things that's actually a real product.

Fresh Flesh

2011-03-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to overdraw things.

Recently, I drew a penciled abomination of myself (above) and used it as a tonal guide for the slicker cartoon-style pen-and-ink drawing below. Not a bad system!

I'm glad I left that Invacebook mess. I don't think I'll be back. My current setup -- no personal profile, but an active Bibliowhining Fan Page -- is ideal. Since my page "likes" my favorite comic companies, I don't miss out on as much art or wit as I thought I would. The things I've been doing to fill the time InVacebook once occupied have, in general, proven more enriching.

I tried to use InVacebook to spread joy and laughter. For example, rather than post photos of myself in swimwear as though the social network were a dating site, I donned pig masks and other ghastly ensembles in my profile pics.

I know some people got it, too. Not many, but at least five, I'd say. I worried those five folks would miss me, that I deserted them. But I suppose anyone who really craves my twisted sense of humor will happen upon this "blog" eventually. Let me know if YOU have a blog or website, and I'll check it out!

...Did I just write the phrase "Since my page 'likes' my favorite comic companies..."? Isn't it crazy what the vernacular has become? Can you imagine going back to the year 2008 and using such a phrase in public? Will these InVacebook-coined word variations appear in the next Websters edition? Non-sense.

Good-Night!

The Old Master Painter

2011-03-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

I thought it was time for a new self-portrait.

I miss the older, really obviously self-copied, self-published zines and minicomics. They had a very special, warm, otherworldly quality to them -- ink smudged to the extent where it was difficult to make out text and small details, old, ironic/weird cut-and-pasted extra stuff in the margins distracted from the creator's original, linear content... I could lay on the floor for hours dissecting it all.

I like some of the newer, more nicely printed stuff, too, but it doesn't take me to the same place. Anyway, I have plenty of old reference material at home so I thought I'd bring the whole cutting-and-pasting thing to the Internet. Feel free to send me some stuff from your collection! I may use it in a future post. And don't forget to like Bibliowhining on Facebook!

She's Not There

2011-03-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

I lost my "active" Moleskine notebook today. That's where I flesh out most of my comic scripts and jot down ideas. The story has a happy ending, though: retracing my steps, I found the lost Pac-Man limited edition black book in the public library lost n' found.

DO YOU THINK ANYONE READ IT?! Imagine reading this stuff out of context. And I totally had my name and address inside, too...YIKES!!

I also had a little writeup (for the purposes of a suspense story) on how to create a false online presence for a competitor. I'll try to remember to scan that next time.

So Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, is upon us. While not Catholic, I habitually give something up on Lent because it helps me break bad habits long-term. One year I gave up soda, particularly Mountain Dew, which I used to drink all the time. This year I'm giving up bread. I've been eating lots of sandwiches lately, being that there's a WaWa right down the street, and my 4-pack is beginning to soften as a result. Unacceptable. I think the "Barbie dolls" glorified in the media are pretty boring to look at. On an unrelated note, when I lean forward and feel a small roll of fat caving in and exerting pressure against my torso, it's a signal that I need to change my diet and exercise habits. I'm not fat, but I feel discomfort when layers of fat prevent me from comfortably moving as I like. It's very easy to make a small change in my lifestyle to combat the problem before it escalates into something worse, so rather than sandwiches and rolls, I shall satisfy my hunger with rice and other healthy non-bread foods.

I also plan to give up INVACEBOOK. I'll continue to update the blog page, but not my personal profile. That's the plan, at least. I don't know if I'll keep that up, though. I like the Invacebook sometimes because I have lots of cartoonists and writers in my network, and it's awesome reading and looking at their new stuff. I don't waste time on there, or have it connected to my cellular phone. I write lots of long-winded statuses, but I'd be writing somewhere else if not on Facebook. Look at me now!

The problem is, I don't enjoy watching culture crumble before my eyes. "It can't get any worse than this," I think and then some horrible new technology comes up that makes people speak and write shorter sentences and pay less attention to things than the day before. I hate spending time editing long statuses down to 420 (HA!) characters. Seriously, I've spent longer amounts of time editing a damn status down than I did writing this entire blog entry right here. I make that effort because I like to share my thoughts and observations about things, possibly with the intention of starting a little dialogue or banter. Rarely do I write some boring drivel like "today is friday," beacause I don't care much to blather on just so people can see my face on their feed or whatever. But there's no evidence that anyone ever reads 3/4 of my stuff, then meanwhile a sorority girl writes "Good Morning" or something and gets like 50 likes and replies. Discouraging.

I'm also sort of sick of these old-hat political debates popping up all the time, you know. And rarely does anyone have a normal, common sense argument, it's just a rehash of the same old tired lines over and over again. And I get sucked into them, tempted to share my views and it's like a stressful thing. But I know that sharing my views via InVacebook reply in a long chain of 50 other replies would be a giant waste of time and would not change anyone's mind or even be read after the next two respondants bump my comment out of visibility-land.

I hate posting something that's meant to be funny and sarcastic and brighten days and then having kids misread my tone and get offended. The alternative, I suppose, would be to post YouTube clips of Family Guy episodes. I was considering replying to all such offended comments with a link to the "Lemonade? Please" episode of "Itchy & Scratchy," but it is too difficult to find and perhaps too outdated of a reference.

Sometimes I make up fake information about myself, like that I'm "in an open relationship" or some silly nonsense which, while I'm doing it I think is obvious in its facetiousness. Next thing I know hordes of friends are calling me or messaging me or commenting asking if it's so, and who. I hate that, and who cares whether or not I'm in a relationship. Why so interested in that over all else? I get more feedback from nonsense relationship stuff I make up than any comics or artwork. This is also sort of a depressing thing.

And what I REALLY hate is that damn new way photos are displayed, small and in a black frame. What a crapola birthday present that was, as I first saw it on February the 14th. I immediately saw the problem with that, from the very first picture I clicked!!! Practically impossible to decipher small text and hidden background gags in comics and other artwork. And who wants to make the extra effort to actually go to a Web-page or blog and view the art in higher quality, or even to press "refresh" in order to magnify the photo? Practically no one, as far as I've seen. Clearly, the hack -- Zuckerberg's new girlfriend, I'm guessing -- set up the new photo display imagining duckfaced little teenagers uploading phone pics of themselves donning bikinis and sipping Corona Lights as they tan at the shore. Surely no one uses INVACEBOOK to share their creative output. And yet the coders do nothing to correct sad mistakes such as this, instead they lie doggo, brainstorming the next steps in destroying our civilization. This is another depressing thing about InVacebook. No sir, I don't like it.

Meat Party

2011-03-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

I wrote this "rap" (read it again with rap in mind in case the foot and meter was throwing you off) in the shower a couple weeks ago. It gets boring in there sometimes...not much else to do once I'm finished reading the riddles on my shampoo bottles. Showering is one of my least favorite things to do, but I try to make the best of it.

The gym is another common place where ideas are born. I wrote "Bun Home" on a rowing machine...

I hope you enjoyed "Swiney Todd". The medium is all pencils of varying hardnesses. I used a kneaded eraser to highlight areas where light would hit. One of my favorite techniques.

Don't Come Around Here No More

2011-02-10T07:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I received a nasty letter from this guy regarding his likeness appearing in some of my comics.:

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, but some just aren't feeling the love.

Surely I'm not the only cartoonist who bases characters off of real-life human beings. The strange thing is, I actually talked to this guy about 3/4 of the comics that feature him, and got the green light before completing and "publishing" them. This is why I think he wrote me a nasty letter to impress some audience.

I guarantee that "X" is reading this, so go ahead and leave him a comment! Though maybe you won't "KNOW HIM" after you do (despite that bizarre word choice, let's be clear that I never dated this guy or "knew" him in the biblical sense).

I embrace constructive criticism, and have learned a lot from it. But I think we can agree that "X's" complaints are a bunch of baloney.

Three Cool Cats

2011-02-02T06:02:00.000-08:00

So this weekend I did something different for once. I dressed up like a "hipster" to be an extra in my friend Karl's brother's senior film, Creative Types. From what I've seen of the film so far, I assume it's a comic burlesque satirizing today's awful, devolving culture and what is trendy with college students. The antagonist is the author of a comic called Newt York, one of those slick, no-detail, probably made for the web four-panel witty (but lame) gag comics popular with the college crowd. The strip drawn for the movie is a pretty clever parody of such comics; I was impressed. The protagonist is a serious, tortured writer ignored by these Newt York worshipers. I haven't read the script, but I'm looking forward to the finished product -- seems consonant with some of the themes I've explored in recent years.

Anticipating downtime, I came to the shoot prepared with a Moleskine notebook to draw in (it doubled as a prop for my character). Other extras were dressed as hipsters, too, of course.

In college, I went to a few events with my fellow art students. Having nothing better to do at these parties, I sometimes sat and did nothing but draw people. So, this post includes drawings of REAL art students, as well as drawings of actors dressed up as stereotypical "creative types."

CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE?

I'm A One Man Guy

2011-01-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

Bibliowhining celebrates the end of the Comics Code Authority.

Not to thumb my nose at standards, however; for example, Family Guy Sucks.

American Dad sucks, too. And Cleveland Brown sucks as well.

Puttin' the dogg in doggerel, Chrissy Spallone.

Here's to the Atom Bomb

2011-01-19T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's good to be back! Those of you who "follow" me on the face may have noticed my complaints about Strathmore's new school of Bristol board. I ran out of my old batch a year or so ago, and when I restocked I noticed that inking on Strathmore board had a similar effect as inking on a roll of toilet paper. The Bristol board quite literally sucked!! -- My ink feathered and was absorbed until my once-dense black India ink faded to a dull light gray tone. To make it darker, I had to trace over some of my lines which as you might expect didn't look too pretty.

It still wasn't black, though. I was able to correct this problem somewhat by scanning my comics in, then tweaking the contrast and curves in Photoshop. Still, I was less than thrilled with the finished product, annoyed, and thought I was going crazy. I've since learned that Strathmore Bristol board now comes in "series." The 300-series board sold as the only option in many art supply stores is of horrible quality, but the two-ply 400-series I recently discovered works MUCH better for my needs as you can see.

My old PC, which had Photoshop on it, crashed, leaving me Photoshop-less. I scanned the above comic into my new MacBook with whatever scanning program comes with the computer, and what you see is an untweaked original! It's pretty good even without my usual adjustments, I think. Compared to my other stuff, I mean.

Hold up, let me get a little more excited about this, because this is truly a milestone...

I SCANNED A BLACK AND WHITE COMIC AND IT DIDN'T TURN OUT LOOKING LIKE CRAP!!! WAHOO!!!

I mean, if anyone would like to hook me up with Photoshop, though, I'd surely appreciate it. I like playing with it from time to time.

House of Fun

2010-11-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

I built a house today!

I've been channeling Oscar the Grouch lately. Not because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder...quite the opposite! I'm really content with my job and living quarters with an awesome view and eucalyptus scent. Sadly, my happiness seems to be impeding my usual escapist fantasies and nightmares, which inspire many of my story and image ideas. And THAT makes me UNhappy, because I really enjoy writing and drawing comics, and NOW I have WRITER'S BLOCK and I feel COMPLETELY WORTHLESS!

This got me thinking -- I didn't always write for fun, and only when I felt like it. In elementary, middle and high school, I had creative writing assignments and two options: write a poem or story in time to meet the deadline, or receive an F. I usually did alright, even though I was forced.

When I was a kid, we had this neat advent calendar that folded into a 3D house. Doors and windows, each with a different message inside, were opened every day from the 1st through the 24th of December. Today, I made my own little house.

Check it out UNDER THE CUT!

Other than pop-ups, I never made 3D models before. Because of this, I decided to create a prototype on graph paper before making a larger model on watercolor paper.

I just winged it at first, but when I went to fold up my house, I noticed that the roof measurements were inaccurate (not that I had done any measuring). It was too short! This was completely due to my own laziness.

As you can see in the above diagram, I redrew the main part of the house, this time using the Pythagorean Theorem to calculate the hypotenuse, a.k.a. the length of the roof. It worked! Not too surprising, since math is an exact science.

That's right, kids. Next time you're in geometry class passing notes to your friends that say, "Why do I have to learn this?! I'll never have to use this in my life!" Remember, maybe some day you'll have your own art/creative writing/comics/librarianship blog, and you'll have to make a 3D paper house, and if you don't know the Pythagorean Theorem you won't be able to measure a roof correctly.

After verifying that my measurements would work, I did the real thing on watercolor. I used this scale: 1 unit of graph paper = 1 centimeter.

And then I painted my house/garage/chimney and used an Xacto knife to cut 3 out of 4 sides on my windows and doors, so I can later fold them out to reveal little drawings.

And then I used tabs to glue the house together. Now I have a little advent calendar!

So, I thought making an advent calendar would be a good way to force myself to write and draw something CREATIVE every day. Yes; providing I'm alive, well and with Internet access, I'll be writing and drawing a little something EVERY DAY from December 1st through 24th and posting it to this blog. I'm dependable, if nothing else. You can count on me!

And who knows -- perhaps this will be my most accessible endeavor yet! Frequent, short messages seem to be on trend these days, while weekly, 5 to 6 page pen and ink comics are old hat!

I'll try to keep it funny. See you Wednesday!

Manimal

2010-11-22T08:10:00.000-08:00

Here's a little painting I made last night. It follows a trend I started in undergraduate -- whenever I wasn't drawing comics, I usually made some "fine art" piece involving animals in a pathetic human situation. I used oil paints back then, but I really don't like that medium. I hate the smell, I hate how it gets on my clothes and under my nails and causes cancer. This is watercolor, a much cleaner and less expensive medium which smells and tastes great.

Stay healthy this holiday season. Happy Native American Friendship Day.

In the Closet

2010-10-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

Read it once, read it twice, read it chicken soup with rice.

"Back to the Suture," (c)2010, Chrissy Spallone

Happy Halloween from Bibliowhining!

Art Lover

2010-10-25T07:25:00.001-07:00

Some mistake me for a cold-hearted woman, but I very much love people -- especially specific ones. I greatly appreciate the few friends who take the time to get to know me, and I enjoy having them over to relax, drink tea, watch TV, read comics and do whatever they want (except drugs). I want people to feel comfortable in my home, it's a great place to chill out and escape to a different world. If someone hangs out with me long enough, I'll probably turn him or her into artwork.

It beats drawing travelers on subways. That's fun, too, but sometimes my "model" leaves at the next station.

Tune in next time for "Back to the Suture," a good old-fashioned horror story.

Just Three Colors

2010-10-14T07:46:00.001-07:00

Here's a little video of me mixing colors and painting, with a soundtrack by Joe Raposo. I hope you enjoy this awesome music.

Some people like my color palette. I only use three colors, plus white, to mix all the colors I need. Just like in the Sesame Street song. The song makes it sound so easy, and it really is. Nobody needs to spend hundreds of dollars buying a long list of oil paints at the art supply store. Here's my M.O., in case the video was hard to follow (it's fast). I start out with blue, yellow and red and make orange, green and purple. Then I mix the color complements (yellow and purple, red and green and orange and blue) to make colorful grays, which I soften up with a lot of white.

It's easier to paint when everything is in the same color family. It's really easy to put a blue-ish orange against an orange-ish blue to build up shadows, and slap a pure orange or blue next to it to make a small detail pop out. I've done this with all my paintings lately...maybe it's the only way I know how to paint.

I think that's how Wayne Thiebaud does it, too.

I've explained my color mixing strategy before, but I'm not sure how many readers go back 50 entries to read my older stuff.

See you next time, hopefully with portraits.

Pigs (3 Different Kinds)

2010-10-06T17:46:00.001-07:00

This article features the "Lost" Dunkin Swine comics. My pig character Dunkin Swine (nee Duncan Swine) has sort of been around for 10 years -- in high school, I bought a scary pig mask to use as a prop when playing "Simon" in a Lord of the Rings movie for a class project, and the rest is history.

Above is my first drawing of a Dunkin Swine-like character, based on a Halloween costume I wore which incorporated the pig mask. It's also the cover of the first issue of my first minicomic, the stupidly named "Do You Get It," which contained "Coke Fiend Chris" and part one of a serialized, indulgent tome I never finished, for good reason.

Next we have "Cell Phone P's and Q's," a comic I wrote 3 years before getting my first cell phone (the most modern piece of technology I own). I still don't care for cell phones, particularly after watching Children of the Corn recently and wondering why the two heroes didn't just use their cell phones to get out of the death trap they were in. I horribly overuse the text message feature, and find it to be a horrible source of anxiety -- I get lonely and bored sometimes, but I'm awkward on the phone and consider text messaging safer. Therefore, I send little messages to my contacts and rarely get any kind of response, even though most of them have a QWERTY keypad while my phone is old school.

Anyway, this comic was one of my "quickie" Zen-things, hence the horrible art and lettering, but notable for being the first comic where Dunkin Swine has an (albeit mispelled) name.

And as for the third pig mask adventure, an excerpt of the good parts from "Silent Violent," my 2008 parody of the school shooting phenomenon. I used to be obsessed with the topic of school shootings, as Columbine marked the end of American culture, a culture which used to herald loners as "cool," and offbeat humor as "funny," but afterwards became suspicious of such things. Since I fit the school shooter stereotype, I became very interested in any school shooting cases, serial killers and school-shooting-related movies and other media. Now I'm kind of sick of it. I created "Silent Violent" to deeply ridicule the whole phenomenon and the paranoia and stereotypes behind it. I also make fun of Wal*Mart's shoddy merchandise.

This comic isn't for everyone, since, being from my younger days, it contains some bad language, etc. But for Dunkin Swine completists, take a look! Don't call the cops, grab a sandwich instead -- it's 15 pages long, and available HERE, UNDER THE CUT. Next week color and happiness.

Bang-Shang-A-Lang

2010-10-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Want more Mediocre Narcotica? Read all their songs by clicking on the "Mediocre Narcotica" label in the side navigation panel.

Fitter Happier

2010-09-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

Here at Bibliowhining, I put my popularity and ad revenue above all else, and change with the times to pander to today's audience. I've noticed that the formula for success, as demonstrated by VH-1 countdowns and what Cracked Magazine has become, is to make all your shows and articles in list format. Sometimes I browse through the magazines at the CVS. MAD, Games and Nickelodeon Magazines aren't there anymore, but there's always this magazine called Cosmopolitan which looks exactly the same each time, and has the same lists on the cover every month: "192 Ways to Please Your Man," "10 Ways to Get a Flat Tummy"...the lists go on!

I don't know much about pleasing my man, but hopefully I know how to please my audience! Here's Five (5) Simple Ways You Can Lose Weight, Slim Down, and Reduce Excess Fat!

I also got a new cat last week. His name is Rover.

I love you.

Corporate Deathburger

2010-09-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

A couple posts back, one of my valued readers asked me how I, a Christian, think the new gay character in Archie will play out. Yeah, there's some light controversy about this new character, mostly some dime-a-dozen rants on entertainment website comment threads, probably not written by Archie readers. Rants that may have been penned by that fellow who stands on the corner of Waverly and University Avenue on sunny days, alternating between "Homosexuality is a Sin" and "Islam is NOT a Religion of Peace" signs.

One day I approached him and asked why he only focuses on these two issues that target specific minority populations when there are so many sins out there that affect everyone equally. His reply was along the lines of Islam/Homosexuality are the major sins that affect college students.

He's not a bad man. I think he's sort of lonely and enjoys "hanging out" with students. At one point, to my delight, he took out a mini camcorder which he used to record the license plates of any cop cars that drove past. He has Matthew 19:4-6 on his anti-gay sandwich board, a passage which deals with divorce and doesn't mention gays. Bob or Bill, I think he's called, is an interesting guy, and I would have liked to get to know him better. Sadly, he was more interested in putting on a show and loudly arguing with his hecklers than engaging me in a continuous dialogue. I wish he would have given me an opening to ask why he thinks homosexuality and Islam are the major "debaucheries" affecting college students, as opposed to fornication or lust or drug/alcohol abuse or...

Cars

2010-09-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

Bibliowhining is back, and that means our favorite jerk Dunkin Swine is also back!

Six Pack

2010-09-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

Here I sit like someone out of the "Stuff White People Like" blog, transcribing stuff into my text editor from my Moleskine notebook. At least it's not a Mac.

Those of you lucky enough to have watched the short, hilarious film from my last entry may have learned that I don't define myself or dictate my happiness through my work, as in the kind of job I have, but through something that will probably never offer me any financial stability -- my hobbies!

I enjoy working in libraries, and I get plenty of satisfaction from helping others with their research and learning bits of trivia in the process, but right now I'm enjoying the fact that my freelancing job, if silly, takes very little of my time while providing me with the financial stability I need to feed myself goulash and tea every day and live in my beautiful, quiet apartment. I briefly felt some shame and guilt in not being able to immediately "work" my Master's Degree, but I'm not alone. The economy is down, and I'm doing what I have to do to make ends meet in the mean time. Actually, I'm doing more than making ends meet. I'm really making mad bank right now, I'm not gonna lie. "Mad bank" for me, as it turns out, is equivalent to like, I'll be up front with you here and could care less if you think this is chump change, $600 a week, but that is way more than I need. I have this amazing power to stretch and save cash, even though I'm one of the last few people around who pays money for (a whole lot of) music. It's magic!

Besides making mad bank, this freelancing gig is also giving me lots of appreciated free time to do a different kind of freelancing -- and that kind of freelancing requires a Moleskine notebook.

Me and the Moleskine have been BFFs since I first discovered it in 2004 as "The notebook used by Van Gogh and xyz important person". Being sort of a modern-day Van Gogh myself, I couldn't resist! Initially, I used the Moleskines to record some of my deepest personal feelings and reflections on my daily happenings. What a waste, right? When people come over to visit and flip through the Moleskine library on my desk, expecting brilliant nuggets of wit, scripts and raw artwork, I silently hope that they'll lose interest before making their way to the older, more emo volumes of yore. I was just a 20-year old kid back then. I didn't know any better.

Now we're in the bronze age of Moleskine. These notebooks are where all my comic scripts are born, and where I sketch people on trains and other public places to inform future, more "serious" drawings. The only thing the Moleskine doesn't do so well is absorb ink. Sure, there's the watercolor notebook, but that's just too precious! I want a notebook that lets me sketch people in pencil, just like in the sketchbook, but also allows me to ink over my drawings with a dip pen. So I'm going to make one!

How To Make a Low-Rent Moleskine Notebook

The first thing I did was cut all the pages for my notebook. I'm using bristol board to fulfill my need for a "cartooning" sketchbook. You can use any type of paper you please, but be aware that thicker paper is more difficult to work with. I used a ruler to measure, then marked off the dimensions of my paper according to the original Moleskine size -- their pages are 7"x5.5". It's a good size. These papers must be folded in half, though, so I'm marking off 11" x 7" pages which will later be folded in half. I absentmindedly marked my dimensions backwards in this visual aid, as I now see. Darn it. I should tell you now that I figured out a lot of this stuff from Michael Shannon's Moleskine tutorial, but mine isn't as fancy as his.

Next, I used an x-acto knife on a hard, unvaluable surface to cut out all of my pages according to the guidelines I drew above. Depending on how thick you want your notebook, you can cut out as many pages as you like, as long as it's a multiple of six. I wanted my notebook to be three signatures thick, so I cut out 18 pages.

SEE THE REST OF THE TUTORIAL UNDER THE CUT!

What I'm doing in this picture is something called "folding". It is important to fold the sheets you cut out so that you'll have a nice Moleskine-sized book rather than a bunch of sheets of paper stapled together. I "kissed corners," as my first grade teacher explained folding to me, and used a pencil to make my folds sharp. I did this with each and every one of my sheets of paper.

Here's where my blog title comes from. I have "packed six" of the folded sheets of paper together, like so, to make a signature. Of course I've done some sloppy cutting and whatnot, but the most important thing is to align all the spines and make sure the bottom of the stack is flush. It's okay if the top and side edges are a bit crooked, or cattywompus (sp?) as Dr. Lavender likes to say.

I made three signatures in all, each with six of my folded papers.

Who knew that that binder clip would ever see the light of day again? I collected all my signatures together, making sure that the spines and bottoms were even, clipped them, and marked the spine for where they will be sewn later. All the needle holes have to be in the same place for the book's signatures to be even in the finished book.

Then I separated the signatures again. To make holes for the sewing needle, I folded the spine over the edge of my CD case. You can use the edge of any unvaluable surface. I used a pin to poke holes in the markings I made earlier. I did this for all three of the signatures, one signature at a time. Again, make sure that the spine and bottoms of each page are even as you do this.

Check it out! Here are my three signatures with their perfectly placed holes.

And now for the sewing supplies. Needles, thread, and wax.

I waxed a couple inches of the needle side of the thread, since I didn't double the thread like when I sew fabric. Don't double up the thread. The wax will hold it in place (or should, it slipped a few times for me). Thread a long strand, you can cut it later.

Sewing the first signature now. I left a little bit of thread (about 2 inches) hanging out where I started. I just threaded the holes I already punched.

In this pic, I'm marrying the first signature to the second signature. When I finished threading the holes in the first signature, I entered the thread into the first hole of the second signature, then went back and forth between rethreading the first holes and threading the second signature's holes for the first time, to "marry" the two together. Then I "married" the second signature with the third, last signature using the same back-and-forth threading. Isn't this complicated to explain. Does it make sense to you? There was also bloodshed and I'd recommend a thimble if you're using thick paper.

Here's what your spine will look like when you've threaded all the signatures together.

Paste gauze onto your new spine, and cut away excess gauze. I know that my cutting techniques are the best you've ever seen.

When the glue dries, trace your little Moleskine innards onto another sheet of paper, which will ultimately be the inside cover. Trace the spine, too so you'll know where to fold and glue. You'll notice that I've drawn an extra panel on the right there, with some tabs. I like and use the Moleskine pocket, so I made a pocket for my low-rent Moleskine.

Cut out and fold like so...

Now glue the spine of your signature pack onto the spine of the inside cover. Also, glue the tabs down to make a pocket. I sandwiched a ribbon between the signature spine and inside cover spine to make a little notebook.

Isn't this fun? I then traced and cut out the outside cover onto a piece of cardboard, a material of which I have an abundance. You can use something a little more classy if you wish. Just make sure it's sturdy enough to meet your needs, and will hold glue well. To finish, I glued the whole outside surface of that "inside cover" page, and glued all over the cardboard and married them together. To make sure the glue held well, I closed the book and pressed it between my two CD cases. Or dictionaries or whatever are fine.

Now I have a ghetto moleskine!

Another Brick in the Wall

2010-08-27T08:28:00.001-07:00

Sabbatical's over, and the second season of Bibliowhining has begun!

To celebrate my return to the blogosphere, enjoy a video in which my friend Karl and I discuss art, technology, education and our futures. It's so worth it, and there is new original artwork contained within. See the man behind the mask.

My personal life? I have a new place now -- a bright, spacious studio apartment in South Jersey, right off the Patco speedline to Philly. Much better than my old apartment, which I didn't mind so much, but that place was definitely a boy's club. I had one girl over there during my two years in Syracuse, and got an extended earful from her about the unacceptability of my living quarters. My new place features a 12th-story view of center city and the football field next door, which is awesome, as is the location, my tasteful arrangement of antique furniture and collection of books and other entertainment. But more than that, what I really love is finally having my independence back -- peace of mind and a workspace of my own. No more noisiness, nagging and nosiness. This means that, not only can I get back into my personal, uninterrupted routine of yoga and meditation and study, but I can finally draw comics and create art again! The only thing missing in my apartment is a pet... if you or anyone you know has a surplus of male kittens, sent one my way. A gentle cat with a nice disposition, not one that enjoys excessive scratching and gnawing. Neutered would be great.

How am I financing my stay in this apartment building? I freelance now. I write articles at $15 a pop for two popular Websites which everyone knows about and has been to. Articles which answer questions such as, "How do you play Risk?" or "What are some Indian restaurants in Norman, Oklahoma?" or "What are some Chinese Snack foods?" As none of these articles take more than an hour to research and write, and since I can write as many articles as I please, I earn as much as I would earn if I actually got a job at a library. And if you think about it, this is sort of a reference job, right? I've worked at a reference desk before, and the majority of questions revolve around printer jams and bathroom/water fountain locations. This job is actually more intellectually stimulating for me, as I learn some neat trivia tidbits. In other news, I'm selling antique furniture and portraits. I'm still looking for a "real" job, though. I'm not sure how healthy it is to work completely online while also being a recluse on my free time.

Come visit sometime. We can have fun drinking good tea, listening to vintage punk albums and reading weird comic books.

Michael Jackson

2010-07-31T07:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sure that some readers have noticed my use of a Michael Jackson song title for each of my posts (with the exception of "Eat It", a Weird Al Parody of "Beat It"). It's becoming increasingly difficult to find a poignant MJ song title for each entry, so from now on, I'll just use the titles for songs I like. Who knows, maybe I'll introduce people to some great music that way.

The theory of the Bibliowhining "business" is to share my artwork and art tips. Have you seen this one yet? From 2006...

Don't give up on Bibliowhining. I'm in a transitional period right now...I just moved out of Syracuse and am currently unemployed and living with my parents. I really liked Syracuse -- there were certain things about that town that were ideal, and I will miss it. I doubt I'll ever find a better cafe than Recess Roastery...I always felt comfortable there. The owners were friendly, and their coffee drinks, sandwiches, and desserts were excellent. I appreciate when people take pride in their work. I had a dream about one of their mysteriously-named coffee drinks, the Kuato. I dreamt that I asked what a Kuato was, and the answer was that it's a coffee drink made with one's own blood after getting a piece of flesh torn open. I'm sure it's nothing like that, though.

Halo Tattoo was also ideal. I got my first tattoo there, and, knowing nothing about getting a tattoo, I went in with this ridiculously complicated sleeve design, a combination of Jim Woodring's panels from The Frank Book. This design consisted of an onion-top house with surrounding pebbles, rocks, and mountains, and a starry sky with windstrips in the background. One of the artists, Mike, looked at this and was all excited about doing it. It turns out that he's a big underground comics fan, and has been for a long time -- he has an original copy of Boiled Angel and everything. The tattoo took three sessions and about ten hours to complete, during which I listened to appropriate tunes such as "Fresh Flesh" by Fear. Now I have this awesome tattoo that is unlike any other tattoo I've seen. It's really a work of art. I wanted to get another one, but there's a limit to what I can afford. I don't know if I'll ever find another tattoo artist like that -- I got really lucky in finding the perfect tattoo artist for the job. I joked with one of my friends, who is staying in Syracuse, that he should get the tattoo for me and then we can exchange skin grafts. He was a little creeped out by my joke -- perhaps I should ease up on the dark humor.

I even liked the job I had in Syracuse. Some people might think that cataloging is boring, but I didn't mind -- I appreciated working in a field I was actually studying, as opposed to making sandwiches all day. My boss was respectful and had a good sense of humor, and I could pick my own hours, which allowed me to wake up, go to work, and then have the rest of the day to myself to read or work on my hobbies.

Syracuse has a prominent hardcore scene which I would have liked to check out. The thing is, I don't have any friends who are into that kind of music, and I'm shy about going to concerts by myself. It takes a while for me to get to know people, and I've never been the type to just go up to a person and strike up a friendship. I've had friends in the past, in high school, who were into punk rock, but they've all either moved away or took a turn for the worst. It's really sad getting to know a person when you're just a kid, sharing secrets, going on adventures, and then seeing them grow up and waste their lives on drugs and/or alcohol.

What do you think? Is it weird to go to concerts and stuff by yourself? What do you do in those situations?

Well, I'll miss Syracuse. Overall, it was a positive experience, and I really hope someone gives me a chance to prove myself in the workforce. I can't wait to get my independence back, and apply the skills I learned in library school.

I'm watching Edward Scissorhands now, one of my favorite movies. I really relate to the main character.

Lisa, It's Your Birthday

2010-07-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

Bibliowhining celebrates its first anniversary today!

Scroll down, and you'll see all sorts of fun lists, including an
index of all the comics I've published here, top ten lists, and more!

From the beginning, I tried my best to stay focused
on this blog's theory of the business: to share my artwork
and insights about comics, a sadly misunderstood, yet
universally beloved genre. I'm a good draftsman, but not
good enough or well connected enough to make a living as
a professional artist (at least not by doing the things I love
to do) -- I wanted to set this blog apart from the Webcomics
by making it educational as well as (I hope) a source of eye
candy and amusement.

It took a long time for me to pick up all my cartooning tricks --
as an undergrad, I learned a few tricks which helped me to
become a better draftsman, but there were no cartooning classes
or teachers who were familiar with comics. It was a long journey
figuring out how to draw them so they would be suitable for
reproduction (as opposed to being hung up for a gallery show),
and what materials to use and everything -- I took bits and pieces
from Comics Journal interviews and other cartooning articles, and
learned a lot by viewing original comic artwork.

My artwork improved rapidly with each new trick I learned --
after discovering each new secret, I recoiled in horror at artwork
created even a week before learning the trick. The tips I learned
are so simple, so I wanted to put them all out in the open. Not to
put art schools out of business (I think only 2 people read this,
anyway), but to spread comics awareness and give any future
unpopular underground cartoonists a head start.

Bibliowhining also exists as an alternative to the alternative --
I'm not so fond of the memoir/super-serious introspective
comics that are in vogue today -- I certainly have opinions about
our society and culture, but I try to voice them through amusing
fictional burlesques. I (regrettably) did a couple introspective
comics a couple years ago, and am utterly horrified by them now.
I'm happier with the stories I currently produce.

Bibliowhining is also for librarians.

Thanks for supporting Bibliowhining!

Enjoy a list of all my comics, art tutorials, and other fun stuff UNDER THE CUT.

AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE'S
THE BIBLIOWHINING CLIP SHOW!!!

Top Ten Most Popular Entries:

Though comics are the most popular feature of my
site as a whole, the most popular entries seem to be
the silly, random ones.

1. Eat It - A parody of Katie Lee Joel and Sandra Lee-esque lame "recipes". With paintings!
2. Gone Too Soon - A tribute to my 14-year-old late schnauzer, Peppy, including artwork I've featured him in over the years
3. Fall Again - The enchanting "pop-up book" entry
4. Remember the Time? - The "Ames Lettering Guide" entry
5. They Don't Care About Us - In which Chrissy discusses her
fondness for old advertisements, and her sadness that they are often
omitted from electronic periodicals. With special guest star Ty Templeton!
6. You Are My Life - A "rhymic narrative" spoofing Alison Bechdel's Fun Home
-- with bunnies!
7. Ease On Down the Road - An older comic from when I suffered from
"Crumbitis". Also, why blue pencil is evil.
8. History: Part 1 and Part 2 - HILARIOUS writing, drawings, and comics
from middle school and high school. Enjoy parodies of your favorite stories and
poems from the high school honors curriculum AND MORE!
9. D.S. - "Write what you know," they say, and I know plenty about job interviews.
10. Carousel - A peek into the not-so-distant future -- one of my most
beloved stories.

Chrissy's Top Ten:
Some additional entries that I enjoyed, not including posts
already mentioned or recent posts already on the main page.

1. Dancin' Machine - There's a new kid in town, his name is
Diogi, and his breed is Bichon Frise/ possible Shih-Tsu/terrier.
2. Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough - Punk's not dead, yet! Not with a band like
Mediocre Narcotica, and lyrics like I don't need your stupid house with a white picket fence!/ No, I don't need your stupid house, so you can go get bent!
3. Man in the Mirror - The beginning of Bibliowhining...when I decided to
"make a change" and become a new man -- a blogger.
4. Black or White? - "Coke fiend Chris" gets a makeover. The oldest comic on
Bibliowhining (not counting the old notebook drawings linked in the above list).
5. Smooth Criminal - An amusing comic about librarians... and murder!
6. Shake Your Body Down to the Ground - The illustrations I did for The
Salt Hill Journal
7. Big Boy - A white boy, a friend of mine, goes to China.
8. Liberian Girl - I thought this political cartoon I drew was incredibly
hilarious. I hope people pay attention to the little details I put into my drawings.
9. I Just Can't Stop Loving You - An insight into my culture.
10. Heal the World - I really enjoyed making this entry. I really cracked myself
up with it. It's a parody of the green movement. Lots of sly puns... it's a really stupid entry. I should have put this as #1, but I didn't order my list.

Complete List of All Chrissy Spallone Comics By Title
Comics are the best thing about Bibliowhining.

- American Idling (excerpt, 2008) - "Why didn't THEY join ME?"
- Brain Food (2010) - "I found this fun toy while going spelunking yesterday..." CONTENT
WARNING.
- Bun Home (2008) - "There was a little bunny and he lived a bunny life/That every day in
every way was filled with bunny strife."
- Car Wreck (2008) - "Cheese and Crackers!"
- Chop Schtick (2009) - "I guess if you don't understand the lyric of a song, it's the rhyme
that attracts you."
- Coke Fiend Chris (2004/2009) - "Do you like Tom Petty, man? Do you like Tom Petty?"
- Donkey Rides (2009) - "Free...to leaches!"
- InVacebook (2010) - "Yo yo yo, I like dis show!"
- Karl in China (2009) - "And speaking of Phillies, there's a Philly over there I wouldn't
mind sliding into home with."
- Latte Payment (2010) - "I like my coffee like I like my women."
- Lights Out (2010) - "I think there's something wrong with my wiring."
- Mediocre Narcotica: Beat Yer Meat (2010) - "Do you really need that burger from the
Burger King?"
- Mediocre Narcotica: Job Interview (2010) - " Look, fool! I shaved my head today! Does
that negate qualifications from my resume?"
- Mediocre Narcotica: Revenge of the Nerds (2010) - "POW POW! There goes the
B.M.O.C.! He never got the chance to finish R.O.T.C.!"
- Mediocre Narcotica: You're Losing Your Edge (2010) - "Joey was a hardline one
Saturday night/ He sat sick and tired of the same old Sprite!"
- Middle of the Road (2009) - "I think I shall stand here for a~while."
- Pain Branch Library (2009) - "I need to return some library books."
- Pound Cake (2006)
- Slob Interview (2010) - " 'GRAPHIC NOVELS' ...HAH!"
- Swiner Living (2009) - "No use crying over spilled milk!"
- Tales from the Stix (2009) - "It's the women. They are crazy."
- The Proper Education of Your Children is of Great Importance! - "Buy war bonds."
- A World Without Surprises (2010) - "People just throw a bunch of garbage around on
the floor, call it 'art'..."

The Art Lessons

Figure Drawing: Bibliowhining stresses the importance of sketching
people in their natural habitat, as shown in the posts Ain't Nothin' Like
The Real Thing, In the Back, and Off the Wall. Sometimes, however, one must resort to supplementing with photography (Dancin' Machine), or using oneself as a model (Man in the Mirror).

Painting: Human Nature gives insights into how I mix colors.
Beat it shows the sketches I sometimes use for a painting.

Realistic, Michelangelo-like drawing: Who Is It takes you step-by-step
through the process of drawing a portrait or other realistic
object, concentrating on form and shadow. I'm glad that this drawing
looks horrible to me now; that shows that I've improved over the year.

Cartooning: ABC shows how I draw a comic from start to finish.

Materials: ABC shows all the materials I use in my cartooning,
but the posts I Just Can't Stop Loving You,
Blood on the Dance Floor, and Ease on Down the Road
go more deeply into specifics, and the trials and
errors I went through to find the right materials.

Photoshop: In Shake Your Body Down to the Ground and
Black and White, I share my limited yet useful knowledge
of Photoshop.

Lettering: In Remember the Time, I show you how to use the
Ames Lettering Guide to letter your comics, even
though I don't know how to use the Ames Lettering Guide,
and I don't think anyone else uses it.

Bookmaking: In Speechless and Fall Again, I share some of the bizarre
little books I've made.

Submitting your work: Heartbreaker and Shake Your Body... detail my
experiences submitting work to publishers. There
is failure and there is success, but failure can be more
educational.

Thanks for reading Bibliowhining, this nightmarishly
formatted little blog! I hate this template, as I
would like to have a side navigation and avoid these
long lines of text, but this is the only template offered
by Blogger that lets me display images as large as I do.
If I use the template that most people do, my images get
chopped up. So thanks for your patience!

There's also an archive at the bottom of this page that
I suspect isn't getting much love, but it has
lists of entries by topic if there's anything in
particular that you're interesting in reading.

-Chrissy Spallone

Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thing

2010-06-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

I spent a few hours this week being "creepy", watching and drawing folks at the Thorden Park community swimming pool. I love it when the weather gets nice enough that I can do this -- in some ways, it is superior to being in a figure drawing class...

For one thing, there are kids. Even when kids are just lying there sunbathing, they're never boring. They never stay in one spot for long, so I really have to rush my drawings, knowing that time is limited. Their complete lack of self-consciousness is also a plus. One kid passed me by, noticed I was drawing people, and shouted, "SHE'S AN ARTIST!" In the past, I've also had kids come up to me and ask if they could draw with me, like I was a peer. Kids are great.

Also, there is more diversity, both in body types and in ethnic groups. I don't draw people because I'm too cheap to buy a subscription to Playgirl; I'm more interested in learning to draw a variety of "types" than how attractive a model is. I haven't seen an obese person sign up for figure drawing classes, and in fact most of the models are slim, non-muscular milquetoast collegiate types OR senior citizens. This was my experience; yours may vary. At this community swimming pool, I can have my pick of the dozens of models, and can choose the most interesting or "useful" characters.

"Professional models" aren't very natural in their posing. Many just sit there, or recline. Even when they try to be natural, it's hard to imagine the gestures people use in their day to day lives, and model them. I need these gestures when drawing comics, if I want to create a believable cast of human characters.

The only drawback is that people are always moving around, so it's challenging and at times
barely possible to capture the gestures I want. Forget about adding detail.

So Chrissy, why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer!
If I wanted to impress everyone with my Michelangelo-like drawing skills, I could do that, but I would learn much less from the experience. Drawing from moving models, I have to adapt myself to capture as much information as I can in what is sometimes only a few seconds. These are moving little kids! My skills develop more rapidly when I'm under pressure like that. I can't fall into the trap of favoring and concentrating on one part of the person, e.g. the face. I have to quickly decide what information will be useful, and give equal time to all of it or I get nothing. This way, the anatomy becomes more intuitive and, when drawing figures in a comic later, I have an easier time drawing a variety of poses off the top of my head. I also refer to these life drawings quite a bit when drawing comics.
God bless you, thanks for reading!
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Money

2010-06-21T14:23:00.001-07:00

Everyone likes the stupid ones. Blood alert.

Speechless

2010-06-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

Sick of my verbage?

I thought we could kick off the dog days of summer
with a dark children's picture book I made in 2006, called
Pound Cake. This book was made to fold out, as you can see below.
But that doesn't translate very well to the Web, so I scanned the pages
individually. The story is based on a dream I had, and the medium is
pencils on card stock.

"Read" the whole story under the cut! I promise that you'll like it.

Tune in next time for a new funny comic.
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History:Part 2

2010-05-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks for coming back for round 2! In this article,
I will share some of the finest comics and notebook

drawings from my middle school and high school years,

spanning from 1997 to the early aughts.

It's pretty funny, if morbid, stuff, and the work I

created in these days is an important part of my

history as an (unknown) underground cartoonist.

Watch my sarcasm and draftsmanship become more

sophisticated before your eyes.

This post also includes comics that a couple of my old

friends had created. So if you think I deserve a taste

of my own medicine, enjoy the cartoon at the end,

drawn by a 13 (14?) year old Karl Arney. In his Friends

Forever series, he made some biting social

commentaries -- no, actually he didn't. He just made fun

of physical features that I can't/couldn't help, often using

artwork he stole from me as a guide for his own drawings.

These were some of the best years of my life, and

I gave myself more creative freedom back then...go

UNDER THE CUT to check out this treasure trove.

Random Insanity
We'll start out with some random drawings and one-shot comics

as a sampling of things to come. There's sort of a recurring theme

here...

I'm not sure exactly when I created all of these images...
the fact that the above comic takes place at a college fair suggests
that it was done in my junior or senior year, but others may have
been earlier. Isn't it ridiculous that there was a spread of desserts
at our college fair, but none of them were available for the
students? Just the presenters. They were right there in plain
sight. I mean, let us have a couple doughnuts.

There is a recurring theme of death, horror, and the like.
Above, the grim reaper is about to get shot in the back with
a revolver. Some of these images are pretty cliche, I know,
but I just liked to draw them. In my comic strip series "Safe-T-Stix",
spanning 1997-1998, I used these morbid themes, but with a satirical twist.

Safe-T-Stix

Safe-T-Stix started out with the "Volcanoes are Hazardous to Your Health" panel,
a "joke" I drew at least 5 times and really patted myself on the back for.
Soon, these stick figure comics evolved into something more sophisticated:
I used them in Goofus and Gallant-like situations, to illustrate the
difference between right and wrong. The character who did wrong was
always punished in a disproportunately harsh old-testament style, but their
death was different than the death one might have expected:

Pre-South Park, by the way. At least, I wasn't watching it back then.

I thought the Safe-T-Stix were clever, and I even had some of
my friends draw their own Stix adventures. I made a lot of these, but
Karl wasn't a fan, and threw a bunch of them out the window while we
were riding the school bus.

Painful Ways To Die
More graphic than Safe-T-Stix, yet with a similar theme, was the "Painful Ways
to Die" series. I remember this series well, but could only find one "episode".

"Rather than being sliced by a pendulum, wouldn't BEING the
pendulum be twice as painful? A dizzy, nauseous sensation would
overcome you as you crash into the broken-glass decorated dungeon
wall." I don't know where I got the inspiration for this 1999 comic.
Must have been all those violent video games. Just kidding!! It was
Edgar Allen Poe! I never had a modern video game system back then!

The Devil's Triangle/Satan's Trio/Friends Forever/League of Annoyance

One of the assignments for the 9th grade World Cultures class
which was alluded to in Part 1 was to create a newspaper with current
events, entertainment news, etc. about a country we either selected or
were randomly assigned (I forget). My country was Morocco. This
newspaper wasn't supposed to be an Onion-like satirical piece, but that's
what I turned it into (I wasn't aware of the Onion yet, but had a Mad Magazine
subscription). I also included advertisements and comics in this paper:

I learned how to draw the above airplane from How to Draw Comics the
Marvel Way.

The comics by Jonathan Braun were a surprise; he wasn't my partner
for this newspaper project. All of us worked independently. So I'm not sure
why his comics appear in my newspaper...perhaps I asked him to draw a couple
strips to make my paper more authentic; most newspapers have multiple
cartoonists. It's funny that one of his characters is named "Duncan Heinz". Other
than that, I'm not sure what's going on in those strips. But let's discuss my contribution,
the "Devil's Triangle" comic above...the comic where one of the boys is wearing a
JNCO shirt, and another is listening to "Aicha," then the number one hit song in
Morocco. There's a deeper history behind these characters.

On my own time, from the period spanning Spring of 1998 until the next Fall,
I had created two series of comic books about three boys in my 8th
grade classes; Karl and his friends Mat and Aigy. These series, called The Devil's
Triangle and the more serious Satan's Trio, originally set out to lightly ridicule
the boys, as they had teased me in class. I did this sort of "revenge" comic a lot,
but Karl, not yet a bonafide BFF at this point, got a hold of issue one by grabbing it
out of my hands, loved it, and held it for ransom until I wrote more! He even made
notes for me regarding character development, and stories he wanted to read in future
issues:

I censored a word above. Try and guess what that word was.
Each time I made a new comic, Karl would keep it and in fact continues to possess
any Devil's Triangle/Satan's Trio comics that have not been lost to the sands of
time. Knowing this would occur, I created a guide of important events occurring in
each issue, to avoid continuity errors:

The Devil's Triangle series was essentially real-life adventures, though
with satirical exaggerations, similar to the sort of thing I like to do now. The Satan's Trio
comic was more in the superhero genre. Mat, the leader, was actually the son
of Satan, and had the power to resurrect his fallen friends from Hell. This made all the
characters essentially invincible, which got old after a while, so as a twist, I made the Aigy
character get saved while drunk at a party, then die. If memory serves, he was then
replaced by Guss, Karl's cat, and in a future issue the trio uses Guss's flying ability
to fly up to Heaven and see Aigy, whose spirit possessed the cat's body before they
all returned to Earth. 14 years old, folks. This issue came years and years before
the "Ladder to Heaven" South Park episode, an episode which horrified me in its
similarities to this storyline. By the way, I was Christian (as I am today)
when I wrote all of these comics; I never thought it would be cool to be pals with the devil or anything; it was all satirical. Both series had fake Mad Magazine-esque advertisements.

I "cancelled" these series early in freshman year of high school, as the trio had
sort of drifted apart, but I brought them back briefly for the "Morocco" assignment.
I apologize for anything in that strip that might strike you as less than P.C. This is
my history, and I understand now that the rice-harvester hat on Aigy is and was a little
ignorant.

Even though Karl loved these comics, he sought "revenge" by creating an even
shorter-lived series of his own, called Friends Forever, which made fun of me and two of
my female friends at the time. I had a decent-sized group of friends back then! I mean,
I was considered a big geek, but I was having conversations and playing on a regular
basis! It's been a while.

Ladies and gentlemen, Friends Forever. Don't worry if you can't make any sense of
this; I don't think it ever made any. Comics were my secret weapon! Nobody could
outwit me in that area.

Hang in there, thanks for reading!

History:Part 1

2010-05-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

This girl is a woman now; I've just received my MSLIS, and I can't

wait for someone to give me a chance to use it. In the meantime, I'm

back at home in the New Jersey Pine Barrens, and you know what that

means -- I'm gonna scan in a bunch of old stuff from my childhood!

This time, I looked through a bunch of old notebooks I saved from middle

school and high school, all of them rich with old notes; amusingly half-baked,

smart alecky, and/or brutally honest school assignments; sketches; comics;

plays; poems; raps...I was pretty creative back then.

Some of the stuff was pretty disturbing... I wrote some mean things targeting

specific classmates, even turning in some of it for a grade! I can't believe that

it was accepted, and even given decent marks. Very pre-Columbine. But the stuff I'm

including in this post is material I still like today. Even the little story above which

hints at harm coming to a dog...that was out of character, but interesting.

For Part 1 of History, I'll post the "writing" selections from the notebooks.

Coming soon in Part 2 will be the comics and sketches...including a comic my friend

wrote about me back then! I promise you that this post will include some

funny, funny stuff, so PLEASE click UNDER THE CUT to see it all!

Freshman English Class (1998-1999)

Above is a list of things I, 14-year-old Chrissy, would do for love, an
assignment given while my class was reading Return of the Native. What
kind of sociopath was I back then? This sort of filterless writing was typical.
I don't think I was aware that anyone would find this list to be out of the
ordinary. Was I being sarcastic? I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that my
morals have improved since then.

This is an example of "symbolism" I came up with to describe the events

taking place in the book The Grapes of Wrath, a book I greatly enjoyed.

Lamely, I used a turtle to symbolize the Joads' journey, as it was slow, etc.

Was I for real here? There's no grade on this paper, so maybe it was just an

example the teacher gave. But it's so dumb...I could see myself turning

something like this in as a joke between me, myself, and I. It wouldn't

be the first time I completely made fun of an assignment for the benefit

of self-amusement, even at the risk of a lower grade. This was back in

freshman year of high school, of course...again, my morals and work ethic

improved as I grew older, and continue to develop.

The following three examples were from a journal we kept of Romeo and Juliet -related assignments:

Here is a "conceit" I wrote about unrequited love, although we were given
a choice between writing on this theme or writing on "love at first sight".
"Unrequited love is a disease like chicken pox/which you can give but
won't get back again," my 14-year-old hand wrote in the girly handwriting
which didn't come naturally, but which I briefly affected in an uncharacteristic
attempt to conform with others. Where did that little gem come from? That
wasn't bad at all! I don't remember being 14 years old and not wanting to get
out of bed in the morning... at least not because of unrequited love. I wrote some
promising poems back then (for my age), and now I never come up with serious
poems. I don't know where I got the information to write something like this, as I
never loved anyone in that way, nor had I caught chicken pox.

Above: In another example of sociopathy/honesty, my response to the question,
"What would you have done if you were on the streets of Verona and a fight broke
out?" Referring to the fight at the beginning of Romeo and Juliet. I also cussed
lightly. Some of this stuff is so embarrassing; I wish I had been more respectful.
It's stuff like this that kept me out of the top ten.

Above: We were to write a "fractured fairy tale", a.k.a. an alternate, twisted
retelling of Romeo and Juliet, and of course I made it so that Romeo dies,
but Juliet ends up becoming a necrophiliac. Of course. Boy was I an eerie kid.
I was apparently so innocent that I didn't know why this couldn't work out,
yet perverted enough that I somehow came up with this unique idea and found
it appropriate to submit to a teacher. Can you believe this?

Freshman World Cultures Class (1998-1999)

World Cultures was a class that I enjoyed and excelled in. I have negative feelings

about this class, however, because I was mean to the teacher. Early in
the year, I was seated next to two close friends, and I would converse with them
and eat Power Bars during class, which was disruptive and arrogant. I received
top marks on all the quizzes, but my friends received D's and F's, I think. After a
couple weeks, this disruption and distraction of my friends got old, and my teacher
rightfully reseated me. Being immature back then, however, I held a grudge against
this teacher for the rest of the year, turning in violently-themed and sarcastic
assignments that nevertheless received top marks. I feel horrible about my bad

attitude to this day. This was a good teacher, new at the time, and I think I wore

him down after awhile, or at least made a bad impression of myself. A student would
not be able to get away with stuff like this today. Maybe I feel bad because I know
what I know now...maybe we were all obnoxious brats back then, and I'm over
sensitive about it because I hang on to every detail. I seem to remember that
kids were more comfortable with my sense of humor back then. No one was
calling me a psycho early in freshman year. It's interesting to see these
assignments today, though. I remember that one of the lost ones had a
comment that I "have a future as a satirist".

Exhibit A: Was this even an assignment? There's not really an explanation
for it. An anti-death penalty statement, perhaps? I mean, the teacher commented
on it, and it's drawn in crayons, indicating that it was more than an in-class
doodle...but what on earth is this? By the way, the boy drawn in this picture
is based on my friend Karl, but I wasn't mad at him at the time or anything.
We always got along, but during our teenybopper years I guess we had sort
of a love-hate relationship.

Exhibit B: We were learning about the Chinese Zodiac and asked to create
our own Chinese-style zodiac sign. This wasn't so bad; "has very short
friendships" was kind of clever, as was "least compatible with other
cannibals". It was dark, but in that charming Grimm's Fairy Tales way.

The Greatest Thing I Ever Wrote?
Of course, I did a lot of writing during my free time, too, or while bored in class.
The following might be my greatest achievement to date; a play I started to write
about myself and my friends 20 years into the future (which would now be 9 years
into the future). It's based on the John Updike poem "Lament for Cocoa," which
my 9th grade English class read. Read this script. It is truly excellent and
eerie. I am so glad I found this, as I had completely forgotten about its existence.
This is the best thing that has ever been published on my blog to date. I mean... what?
I don't know why my 15-year-old self didn't continue writing this.

Tune in next time for more fodder from when I was a prodigy.
Again, part 2 will concentrate on my old drawings and comics.

And, of course, take the Bibliowhining survey and become a fan on Facebook.
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Privacy

2010-05-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's always nice when the Michael Jackson song title is obvious.

Here's a cartoon relevant to current events...

"Invacebook" by Chrissy Spallone

After awhile, dystophile...

Oh! and don't forget to like Bibliowhining on Facebook!

And please take my quick, straightforward, anonymous survey:
The Bibliowhining Poll Part 1
The Bibliowhining Poll Part 2

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Girlfriend

2010-05-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

In this Bibliowhining entry, Dunkin Swine puts himself on the meat market by creating a match.com profile.

And now for some personal reflection: I'm very quiet and reserved in my personal life, but interested in making one or more meaningful friends. People routinely suggest Match.com and other such dating sites to me. The thing is, I'm not going to hug or kiss on a first meet. There's no way to determine what someone's intentions are from one get-together, and I'm not interested in putting myself in a vulnerable place with someone I don't know that well. Also, I prefer making a platonic connection, similar to the ones I've had with my high school friends, without the expectation and pressures of romance.

But high school's over. Never again will I have the experience of going to school with and being in the same class with someone for years at a time, getting to know them through the essays, stories and poems they read aloud in class as they likewise get to know me, and "hanging out" after school in the neutral, goal-oriented settings of clubs, activities, and group projects. In the adult world, the friendship-relationship process is more like a job interview. Someone can interpret my shyness and reluctance to reveal much about myself as disinterest, choosing to simply not hang out with me again. They go back to their job and house or apartment. They won't be stationed in the same classroom as me for 6 hours a day, seven days a week, allowing me an opportunity to slowly, slowly reveal myself and establish trust and mutual appreciation.

So -- Match.com it is. As some people have surely figured out, Dunkin Swine is kind of my id, so since Match.com is all about desire, I've created the profile in his name. But with all my characteristics. Hopefully, I'll find someone who will accept me for who I am.

Dunkin Swine makes a match.com profile UNDER THE CUT!

Step 1: All About Me

I answered all these questions honestly. Yes, "what's your sign", surely a key bit of information that will start me on my quest for a soul-mate.

Did you know that I'm very, very good at roller skating?
As much as I enjoy art and whatnot, there's a lot of stuff on this list that I wouldn't want to do when meeting someone for the first time. I like to get to know people one-on-one, in a small, quiet setting where I can be myself. This seems to be the opposite of what everyone else wants to do. Except serial killers.No entry for "library" in "what do you do for a living", I see. I don't know that I "definitely" want children, but I didn't double-check this before submitting. That was the default.
I like all animals (possible exception: cats), but don't think they would make great pets. I think it's horrible to keep a bird as a pet.
Step 2: What am I looking for?

You know, I have had a wide variety of friends. Internationals, drug addicts, a prostitute, models, not-so-attractive people, Evangelical Christians, sociopaths, people who have done time in jail or prison, professors, homosexuals, Average Joes...I've learned valuable lessons from and love them all. There is no way I would choose to meet one person over another based on whether he went to college or not. "Gee, you didn't go to college, so you must be a burger-flippin' dumb-dumb!" Forget about all the musicians, actors, directors, writers, and other fascinating people who didn't go to college, or, in many cases, even finish high school. It doesn't even ask for what Mr. Joe College majored in. I could go on and on, but who wants to hear it? I just put "no preference" for all of these questions.

Step 3: My blurb
Yes, describe yourself and your ideal match in 4000 characters or less. I just copy-pasted a section of my resume, because what's the difference really?

Step 4: Uploaded pics

Then the time came for me to upload some pics. The survey asked nothing about my physical attractiveness, did it? By the way, Match.com approved these pics as additional images.

They didn't approve them as profile pics, though, so I added one that shows my face:
Search for username DunkinSwine to see my full profile. "Wink" at me.Wish me luck out there!

Update: The day after posting this, I receive an email saying my profile "Caught someone's eye," and there was a message waiting for me in my match.com inbox. I go to match.com, and there is no message in my inbox, but an ad for a paid membership to match.com. Way to string me along.

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What More Can I Give?

2010-04-29T11:04:00.001-07:00

It's the end of the semester, and I have various responsibilities taking a toll on my time. But in the meantime, how about taking a poll on my blog? I only wish to serve you better, without compromising my integrity.

If you're new to Bibliowhining, consider reviewing some of my posts before taking the survey.

This survey is in two parts, each part containing 10 questions. The whole shebang will take 5 minutes or less. Please give serious answers. Sorry to break the survey up like this, but I opted to do this rather than pay for a deluxe account on Survey Monkey. I would love for you to take both surveys, but feel free to answer as few or as many questions as you'd like, depending on your time budget.

The Bibliowhining Poll Part 1
The Bibliowhining Poll Part 2

Every response counts! Remember the equation for an effective, low-error-margin survey:
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Carousel

2010-04-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
-Joni Mitchell

Remember the good old days? When people left comments on my blog posts? Anyway, in honor of the good old days, here's a comic about the future: "A World Without Surprises".

More of my ramblings under the cut.

As I was writing the script for this comic (I write out a script first -- just the dialogue. It's very helpful), I noticed the common themes between this storyline and that of a couple Twilight Zone episodes, notably the one where the young girl doesn't want to get a transformation to look like all the other girls, the one where the gambler goes to hell and keeps winning, and the one where a bandaged lady is told that she's ugly and is later revealed to be a woman with movie-star looks in a world of monstrous beasts with a different standard of beauty.

I think I would have come up with this storyline even if I hadn't been a Twilight Zone fan, but who knows. And if I am ripping off the Twilight Zone, I mean, who hasn't? It's awesome, and at least I gave the themes a refresher for the new millenium +10.

I remember reading an R.L Stein Goosebumps book, Say Cheese...And Die! I believe was the title... It basically ripped off an entire episode about a camera that took pictures of horrible things that would happen in the future. Or was it an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? that did this? Or both?

After a while, dystophile.
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2000 Watts

2010-04-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

I take story requests, and if inspiration hits , I honor them. Someone wanted me to write a comic about my life. My life isn't that interesting to talk about right now, which isn't a bad thing. I'm just really relaxed and in my normal, quiet zen state that some people mistake for being blase and/or unsatisfied with the status quo. If I was overly bothered by these stereotypes, I could easily create some kind of smokescreen to avoid them; for example, I could shriek and carry on and grind up against strangers at the dance club while wearing a form-fitting ensemble. This isn't necessary, though; I'm usually pretty content and peaceful. But my life hits a snag once in a while, as does everyone's, and this comic is about those snags that slow down my days sometimes. I try to be no emo, so enjoy the hyperbole!

So...why do I draw myself as a pig? I don't have some kind of body dysmorphic disorder that makes me see a pig's face in the mirror instead of my own, human face. In fact, there are a couple self portraits further back in this blog.

I used to draw myself into comics, but my face is so complicated, and I'm always making these weird expressions that are difficult to draw from panel to panel. I'm trying to make my characters have a consistent, recognizable look throughout a story; something I've struggled with in the past...if I drew myself with a more simplified look, like Veronica Lodge for example, I'd feel like I was being vain or deceptive. So...(oh this is so embarrassing) I guess ever since reading Lord of the Flies and identifying strongly with the Simon character, I've been drawn to pigs as a sort of spirit animal.

There. Now you've learned more about me than you could have ever hoped to.

Tune in next week for this awesome dystopian future tale I'm working on called "A World Without Surprises". It's a satire on all the new technology that keeps coming out, and how it increasingly isolates us from each other, though it intends to make us more connected. The script is done, and it's one of the best things I've written so far...I've drawn up some new, plausible inventions and laws...it's going to be really cool, so look forward to it soon! Same bat blog, undetermined bat time.
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Blood on the Dance Floor

2010-04-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some of my old, old notes and story ideas in some of my back-issue Moleskine notebooks. They're filled with some more demented material than I've exposed on this blog in the past (well...maybe excluding "Car Wreck"; that was graphic in parts), but they did get the creative juices flowing again.

What you will hopefully still read is a throwback to the senseless cartoon violence that every single one of us enjoyed in our youths...sadly, not being an animator, I can't really do it justice. Sometimes, the difference between a lighthearted cartoon short for the kids and a methodical, creepy, disturbing adult comic is all about pacing. I'm not doing a very good job at articulating this, so here are a few words from fellow recluse Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes and therefore the authority on everything:

"If you look at the old cartoons by Tex Avery and Chuck Jones, you'll see that there are a lot of things single drawings just can't do. Animators can get away with incredible distortion and exaggeration -- for example, to show surprise, a character might turn into a giant eyeball for a fraction of a second -- and the character can do this because the animation can control the length of time you see something... In a comic strip, you just show the highlights of action... You can suggest motion and time, but it's very crude compared to what an animator can do."

-"Interview:Bill Watterson". The Comics Journal no.127, March 1989

I realize that some of the kids might be put off by the gore to follow, so consider this your warning, and at proceed, at your own risk, to the comic under the cut.

Try to imagine an orchestra playing.

I used that irritating Higgins Black Eternal ink that I accidentally bought. I didn't want to waste 5oz of ink, but it caused me endless frustration. It's not as black as India ink, so a thin line barely registers, and it seems more watery, causing giant blots to come out of my dip pens. These blots then had to be covered in a sea of China white, and then the surface wasn't as accepting as the "virgin" bristol board. I tried to do what I could in Photoshop to get the blackness that I prefer, but some areas still seem brown to me. Never again, Higgins Eternal. I guess you'll have eternal life in my art bin. Does anyone want it?

D.S.

2010-03-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

Dunkin Swine joins us again today on the Bib. They say write what you know!

As a disclaimer, I love my school and the opportunities I've been given here. This comic has been a humorously-intended exaggeration of some composite experiences that my colleagues and I have had in our travels. Please don't let this bit of satire dissuade you from choosing the greatest, most highly ranked information studies program in the world.

The Lost Children

2010-03-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

Before there were LOLcats, there was Li'l Cat, an Easter-themed children's book of my own invention that I wrote and illustrated at age 6:

I know that the cover says, oddly enough in my handwriting, "by Stevie", but my brother didn't write the story, he just acted as a transcriptionist for my narration. After hovering over me, correcting my every spelling mistake for the first few pages, he grew impatient and took over the lettering, despite the fact that I had initiated this bookmaking activity and had never explicitly asked for his editorial assistance. I suppose that after the fact, he somehow brainwashed or coerced me into giving him authorship credit with my own hand.

Click here to read the whole story...try to guess when my brother takes over the lettering!

A couple of these pages have little side gags and clarifications...you can click on the images to enlarge them and benefit from this.

I haven't changed much in the last 20 years, have I? Though I'm more of a dog person now. Pages 10 and the last page are the best...I think I was a child prodigy. The year was 1990, I remember it well.

You Are My Life

2010-03-10T12:27:00.000-08:00

Spring is in the air, and what's spring without a couple of bunnies? The new seasons of our favorite TV shows are starting up again, but it's reruns here at Bibliowhining. Reruns for the old-time fans, that is. Schoolwork beckoning and spring break in the near future, this entry features a fan favorite: 2008's Bun Home, my parody of Alison Bechdel's Fun Home, which also satirizes intellectual posturing. I hope you enjoy this bit of sequential storytelling. I hope to turn it into a graphic novel someday.

You can tell this is old material by my naive use of the blue pencil. Blue pencil is the devil, and turned my early self-publishing endeavors into a nightmare. I recommend clicking on the below image to enlarge it and make it more readable.

It seems that many who didn't grow up reading comics have a hard time understanding them. It's no longer the case that everything that comes out must be approved by the Comics Code Authority, so cartoonists have as much freedom as filmmakers, and many have taken advantage of this. Unfortunately, looking at the available comics/graphic novels in libraries and even many comic book stores, it would seem that there are only three options: Manga, Superheroes, or long self-pitying memoirs completely drained of any humor or imagination. Once Fun Home won Time Magazine's "Book of the Year," comics -- I'm sorry, "graphic novels" were suddenly on everyone's radar, inspiring many copycat books, depressing and uncreative autobiographies about someone's failed hipster romance or experiences with the AIDS virus or physical abuse. While it's fine that these books are published as they are surely a comfort to some people, they aren't the only genre available in the adult comics medium. Libraries typically order only these new books which appear in the reviews they read, and the history of comics is ignored. There is a lot of autobiographical stuff that is interesting, and Fun Home, though not my taste, is at least very well drawn, but a lot of the bios and nonfiction that have come out since just don't do it for me.

In general, libraries started to collect movies only in the past 20 years. And yet, all the DVD and VHS collections I've seen represent the entire history of film, in all genres -- classics such as Night of the Hunter and Taxi Driver and The Wizard of Oz are available on the shelves right next to the new releases. I wish that the comics medium was given the same respect in libraries. I don't enjoy reading the trendy autobiographical comics that are being churned out today, and it's frustrating not to see my old favorites on the shelves for others to discover. Fun Home may have come out recently and catalyzed a mainstream popularity of alternative comics, but that doesn't mean that the medium suddenly came into existence in the year 2005, or that there is no older material of value. Also, even new titles that are humorous/satirical/literary are being ignored for some reason -- maybe they aren't being reviewed?

I encourage librarians to order a greater variety of adult comics for their collections; older titles, and also different genres besides superhero, manga, and autobiography. Fantagraphics is constantly coming out with a variety of quality titles, and they also publish reprints of classic comic strips which I'm sure younger readers will find fascinating. The librarian at the Billy Ireland Cartoon Library and Museum (formerly the Cartoon Research Library) is a very helpful person to ask about "key" comics that should be in the collection. I have emailed her for several class assignments, and her responses are always incredibly quick and thorough. Or just ask me!

Though I guess I was sort of an underground cartoonist since age 8, drawing strips which lovingly made fun of other kids in class, I first became aware of "real" underground comics when I was a 13-year old kid browsing the stacks of a public library in South Jersey...I checked out the book Comics, Comix & Graphic Novels: A History of Comic Art by Roger Sabin, and became fascinated by R. Crumb. Of course, the Internet being off my radar at the time, and the library being lacking in actual comics (the title I mentioned was more of a history book about comics), I was unable to explore the medium more. I mean, I probably shouldn't have been reading R. Crumb comics at age 13, but you get my point, right?

Another Part of Me

2010-03-06T10:53:00.000-08:00

Art has become a lost art, but I guess I'm about due for another "Hey, look, I'm a legitimate draftsman" entry. A few projects/presentations were due last week or are coming up, so I haven't had too much time to work on my favorite of all hobbies. A picture should say a thousand words about my exhaustion, and here I am slumped in a chair, the Saturday morning after a hectic week. Fanboys, for you, a rare glimpse of me wearing (Oberlin College) shorts, which I never do in public, not even at the gym. I'm also wearing a Syracuse University t-shirt. Go Orange! #1 in the nation!

I drew this in the "building up" fashion with multiple pencils, just like in the self-portrait I posted earlier. Hopefully this one is a better likeness. Would anyone else like to model for me? It would be nice not having to adjust my small mirror and chair all the time, and it's kind of difficult drawing my own right hand, for example.

This year I learned, largely thanks to "The Face," that I have a great aunt who is also an artist (a painter), only I think she actually makes a living off of it. I previously didn't know that I was related to another artist. Thank you, Facebook, you otherwise loathsome invention, you. Check out my Aunt Debbie's paintings -- do you see a "family resemblance" in style or theme?

Come to think of it, I'm also directly related to Benjamin Franklin (people think I make all this stuff up, but is it REALLY that hard to believe?). He was a cartoonist, too, you know.

Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)

2010-03-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

In this post, I'll finally show you the illustrations I was talking about earlier. Here they are in their rough, pre-Photoshopped form, completely out of context!

Some backstory, as well as the cleaned-up versions of these images the way they'll appear in The Salt Hill Journal, are available under the cut.

Looking for places to flaunt my comics and artwork around Syracuse, I came across the Website for The Salt Hill Journal, a biannual poetry/short story publication put out by SU's Creative Writing and English departments. On the Website, a need for black and white artwork was expressed. Perfect!

As per the submission guidelines, I sent the links for "Tales From the Stix" and that comic I wrote about my friend "Charles" in China to the Journal's art editor.

Finding my dark, gloomy, inky style to be a good fit for Julian Zadorozny's short story "Upper Volta", which was already slated to appear in Salt Hill, I found myself commissioned as an illustrator. If you wonder how the Michael Jackson song title du jour fits into all of this, the story is about two fallen hikers.

I accepted this golden opportunity for collaboration and exposure without realizing what Salt Hill really was; before receiving a draft of the story I would be illustrating, I dropped into my second home, the S.U. bookstore, to look through an older issue of the Journal. I don't know much about poetry, but I had the sense that the poetry I was reading was really good! I had been under the impression that the publication was a literary magazine featuring student writing. What a talented bunch of writers we have at S.U., I thought. I was so proud of the kids.

Flipping to the back of the book to find the writer bios, I saw that they were not "the kids," but actually professional writers and stuff from all over the country, some even international. So in the next issue, I'll be the kid. It's exciting! I've never had my artwork in a national publication before.

So keep your eyes out for Salt Hill #25, available at finer coffee shops/bookstores around the country. I'm so happy. I really love drawing, and if I can't get paid, I'll be an illustrator for peanuts any day, time permitting.

Anyway, here are the cleaned up versions of the illustrations -- I just adjusted the curves, contrast, and brightness to make them more pure black-and-white rather than greyscale. Though consistent with my recurring themes of violence, misogyny, and nature, these are simply scenes from "Upper Volta." It was a good match, I think.

There Must Be More To Life Than This

2010-02-26T19:06:00.000-08:00

Bonus!

I posted this link elsewhere, but just in case you haven't seen it...

Some of the kids made this neat Onion-esque, Syracuse University-centric online newspaper called "Cuse My Campus". Some of the articles on there are pretty funny, and I submitted a little story about the iSchool, poking fun at IM and LIS students alike. Amazingly, despite their rigid submission guidelines and tight competition, my article, "International Student Inquires About Christmas Day Internet Access," made it to the front page. The inquiry took place at the Bird Library reference desk.

I hope the humor works on many levels.

Eat It

2010-02-23T12:25:00.001-08:00

Bibliowhiner Living

My friend Bradley told me that my comics and sense of humor are so odd that few people will get the joke, least of all potential mates. Well, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and cooking is always a safe and popular topic, so I thought I'd whet everyone's appetite with some of my favorite ideas for entertaining guests in my home. I am Italian, and quite the little chef!

Don't tell anyone, but these recipes only take about 5 minutes to prepare...that's it! For your next party you'll be stress and responsibility free -- treat yourself to a mani-pedi while waiting for your soon-to-be-overwhelmed guests to arrive.

"Burger Half" 2010 Chrissy Spallone

"Say Cheese" Burgers
Mm-Mm, This is a tasty burger! Your guests won't be able to restrain their smiles after sinking their pearly whites into these tempting sliders!

12 White Castle hamburgers
Gruyere cheese, thinly sliced
24 slices applewood smoked bacon, cut crosswise in half

15 minutes before your guests show up, hit the White Castle drive-thru for a dozen of their famous sliders. Once home, preheat your toaster oven to 400 degrees. Remove the top buns from your burgers and place a slice of Gruyere and two slices of bacon on each. Toast the tiny burgers until the cheese is melted and the bacon crisp. Then, replace the top buns, cut each burger in half, pierce with a toothpick and arrange attractively on a serving platter.

"Cheese and Crackers, Batman!" 2010 Chrissy Spallone

"Puttin' on the Ritz" Cheese-and-Crackers Plate
This modern-day take on an old classic is the greatest thing since sliced bread!

1 box of Ritz crackers
Seedless green grapes
1 12-oz bag grated part-skim cheddar cheese

Pour the bag of grated cheese into a medium-sized bowl and microwave on high for 45 seconds. For a Mexican flair, add a few shakes of cayenne pepper to your cheese. When melted, place in the middle of a tray of Ritz crackers. Insert a spoon in the bowl so that guests can spoon the melted cheese on top of your crackers. Place a festive bunch of grapes in the midst of it.

Tip: Grapes that are brown, spotted, and/or mushy are usually rotten. Remove such grapes from the bunch before serving.

"Untitled" 2010 Chrissy Spallone

Asian Sweet, Sour, and Spicy Iced Tea
Ginger and lemon are celebrated in Asia for their many health benefits, but healthy or not, your guests will love the delicious, tangy taste of this unique tea infusion.

1 pack Fuse instant diet green tea with honey iced tea mix
1 lemon
2 tbsps McCormick dried powdered ginger

Blend the pack of instant iced tea mix with a pitcher of iced spring water. Squeeze the lemon into it, being careful not to let seeds drop into the tea. Slowly add ginger, stirring constantly. This tea may be served immediately, but the longer you steep, the more the flavor of ginger will infuse itself into the tea blend.

Immediately before serving, pour tea into goblets and garnish with coiled strips of lemon rind.

Tip: Have your guests bring their favorite beer, wine, or liquor to the party. That way, you won't have to spend any money on alcohol!

***

Ok, guys and gals, there you have it. Can I make a living doing this now or do I have to marry Billy Joel first?

ABC

2010-02-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

I knew you'd be back for more Mediocre Narcotica! They are addictive, and I just got a vertical labret piercing in honor of that punk rock spirit. Weird stuff in the air, man, weird stuff. Weird emotions, weird urges...Is it senioritis? Currently, I've been working on an illustration project that I'm pretty excited about -- it's my first collaboration with an author, and my first opportunity to draw for a nationally distributed literary journal. More details on that later. Last week, anticipating that I'd be busy with the illustrations, but would need some material to update this blog, I documented my cartooning process with my low-quality camera phone. I know those camera phone pictures aren't so great, but when I was just starting to draw comics, I would have appreciated a quick-and-dirty guide like this, and also a list of materials.

When reading this guide, please keep in mind that I have no formal training in cartooning -- as I might have said in earlier posts, my skills come from the slow accumulation of knowledge from various sources -- comics, cartoonist interviews, looking at original artwork, bugging industry pros during my internship, brief tips from rejection letters, trial-and-error, and, yes, even How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way.Check out my process under the cut.

Here are all the materials I use in comic making:

Strathmore brand smooth bristol board: In Dan Clowes' Art School Confidential, students went to an art school called Strathmore. I like smooth bristol board -- the vellum kind is too rough for wet mediums like ink. At the SU bookstore, I saw a pad of vellum bristol board being advertised as ideal for "sequential storyboard artists" or some similarly pretentious, cumbersome replacement for the word "cartoonist". However, when I used vellum in the past, the ink from my pens bled all over the place. This is why I switched to smooth.

Higgins India Ink: I prefer India Ink for its density and flow...it has more blackness than their "eternal" ink, which I tried out recently, disappointed.

Pelikan brand China White: Apply with a brush for corrections -- you'll never use the evil Wite Out again.

India Ink filled pens of varying widths: Make sure the pens are filled with India Ink, not "India quality ink" which is not as dense, fades, and turns purple when used over correction fluid.

Watercolor brushes

A ruler

Ames lettering guide

#2 Mechanical Pencil: A lighter lead is probably better, but this is what I could find that day.

Hunts Ink Pens: For dipping into Higgins India Ink. Only dip the tips, not the whole darn pen. If you dip the whole darn pen, it will cake up and you won't be able to easily remove dull nibs from the holders and replace them with new nibs.

Not pictured: A big eraser, preferably gum.

The first thing I do is draw the panels, using a ruler and pencil. Notice that I have some other comics in the background to aid me in my cartooning process. I have some Archie comics, which in this case I'm using to get some ideas for concert scene compositions and poses, as well as how to draw instruments. I have a pretty good comics library, and I use it in lieu of Google images or other sources when I need a quick idea for how to draw something.

I also have an older Mediocre Narcotica strip handy, to remind me where tattoos are placed, etc., for continuity purposes. Otherwise, some dorky 14-year-old fangirl might mercilessly list all my minor errors on a cartoon facts website.

And now for the hardest part, penciling everything in. It's best not to press too hard with the pencil. I have trouble disciplining myself to do that sometimes, so I use Photoshop to erase the pencil lines that an eraser can't get.

Next I ink the lettering, using the regular, non-dip pens for better control.

Bonus shot: Cartooning by candlelight! It's getting dark here earlier in Syracuse, and my apartment is so dim that sometimes I have to light candles to have enough light to draw.

I block in big areas with ink first, using watercolor brushes for the biggest areas and dip pens for areas of intermediate inkiness. Tea time! It's best to wait awhile for all the ink to dry before going on to the next step. If you're wondering what that rag is for, I cut up a washcloth into little rags which I use to wipe off ink from dip pens. I don't wash them off in cups of water like I do with the brushes.

For smaller details, I complete the inking process with the regular pens. After waiting for everything to dry for a couple hours, I erase my original pencilings.

If I screw up in any of the ink-involving steps, China White comes to the rescue. Several applications are often necessary to completely cover the dense black ink. I let it dry between applications.

If any cartoonists out there want to correct my naive mistakes or add their tips, feel free; I'd love to learn more.

Alright, my friends, I hope you got your fix! Next week I get another year older and will hopefully have those illustrations ready to show you!

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

2010-01-29T08:30:00.001-08:00

I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that today's entry consists of more Mediocre Narcotica comics! My fellow seniors and I have upcoming job interviews on the brain... let's see how our favorite fake punk band front man handles the situation:

And for our second comic, since some of the kids get frustrated with my emotional impenetrability, here's a comic about an issue that I actually have a genuine opinion about:

Have a nice weekend everybody!

Rock With You

2010-01-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

When last we met, I alluded that this entry would be ripe with doom and gloom.

Unfortunately, the local flora and fauna haven't been doing what I would prefer for them to be doing. Luckily, to fill the void, a few punk rock songs spontaneously generated in my mind, as they do. You see, I've been kind of lonely since coming back to Syracuse -- the Bible study groups haven't started up yet, and most of my classes are online, so I haven't seen the gang much. I enjoy being one of the guys, but I can't pretend that I'm in the IM program forever! There are some library science classes such as cataloging that, while not part of the core, are nevertheless important to my career plans, and the reality is that several of these classes are only available online.

Happily, I have a little punk rock band inside my head that plays original songs sometimes for me when I feel all alone. I've named my personal band Mediocre Narcotica. Also, I'm going to take a shot at the zen art of comic strips, as a more limiting alternative to full page or multi-page stories. The first comics of the New Year!

This band will now play a short set list for you. If you enjoy it, there will be more to come -- try to imagine the instrumentals as you read the lyrics.

"You're Losing Your Edge" featuring Mediocre Narcotica, art and lyrics (c) Chrissy Spallone, 2010

One of my art teachers said my cartoons were like a perversion of the Archie Comics universe. I guess this is my answer to Josie and the Pussycats. What the heck, it's my senior year, guys! I think I deserve to amuse myself with a silly, fake, tongue-in-cheek punk band.